1.A boy swore to a girl: \'Honey, do please marry me, otherwise I\'ll die\'
The girl refused.Sixty years later, the boy died.
一男生向一女生发誓：亲爱的，请你一定要嫁给我，不然我会死掉的
女孩拒绝了。六十年后，那个男生死掉了。
2.Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路标） says, \'School -- Go Slow\' 老师：约翰，为什么你每天早上都迟到呢？
约翰：每次我走到街角的时候，都有一块路牌写着：“学校-小心慢行”
3.Teacher: Tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? And where is your homework book? Tom: Sorry, Mi.I met a robber on my way to school this morning...
Teachse: Oh, My Gosh! So terrible! Did he robber anything from you?
Tom: He...he robbed my homework book....
老师：汤姆，你今天为什么迟到这么久？还有你的家庭作业本呢？
汤姆：对不起，老师，我今天在上学的路上遇上了一个抢劫犯……
老师：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他抢了你什么东西没有？
汤姆：他……他抢走了我的家庭作业本……
4.A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.Wow, she thought, this crab is really special.I can\'t let him get away.So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.\"What happened?\" she asked.\" You used to walk straight before we were married.\"
\"Oh, honey, \" he replied, \"I can\'t drink that much every day.
一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她为妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是横着走。哇！她想，这只雄蟹可真特别，我可不能让他跑了。因此他们立刻结婚了。
第二天，她又发现她的新郎像其他蟹一样横着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.
When the door finally opened, I felt a compaionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.\"You\'ll get that degree, dear,\" she whispered.\"Perseverance is a virtue.\"美 德
获取研究生学位多年以后，我回到位于宾翰顿的纽约州立大学当教员。一天，电梯里很拥挤，有人抱怨电梯效率太低。我说自我在那里当学生起，20年来电梯一直没有换过。
最后当电梯门打开时，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回过头来我看到一位年长的修女正在朝我微笑。“你会拿到学位的，亲爱的，”她低声说道：“坚持不懈是一种美德。”
1.和买驴的人
A man wanted to buy an a.He went to the market, and saw a likely one.But he wanted totest him first.So he took the a home, and put him into the stable with the other aes.
The new a looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest a inthe stable.When the man saw this he put a halter on the a at once, and gave him back to
his owner.The owner felt quite surprised.He asked the man, \"Why are you back so soon? Haveyou tested him already?\" \"I don\'t want to test him any more,\" replied the man, \"From thecompanion he chose for himself, I could see what sort of animal he is.\"
中文：一个买主到市场上去买驴，他看中一头外表不错的驴，但是他想要牵走试一试。他把驴牵回家，放
在自己其他的驴之间，这驴四处看看，立即走向一头好吃懒做的驴旁边。于是，买驴的人立刻给那头驴套
上辔头，牵去还给驴的卖主。卖主感到很奇怪，他问买主：“你怎么这么快就回来了？”买主说：“不必
再试了，从他所选择什么样的朋友来看，我已经知道他是什么样了。”
2.The Looney Bin
疯人院
Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, \"I am Napoleon!\"
Another one said, \"How do you know?\"
The first inmate said, \"God told me!\"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, \"I did not!\"
一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：\"我是拿破仑！\"另一个说：\"你怎么知道？\"第一个人说：\"上帝对
我说的！\"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：\"我没说！\"
Notes:
（1）Looney (俚语）疯子
（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在医院、监狱)）
（3）insane asylum (疯人院）
3.A mother mouse
老鼠的第二语言也重要
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush.She watched the cat, and
the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, \"Woof, woof, woof!\" The cat
was so terrified that it ran for it\'s life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, \"Now, do you
understand the value of a second language?\"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
1、Life after death死后重生
\"Do you believe in life after death?\" the bo asked one of his employees.
\"Yes, Sir.\" the new recruit replied.\"Well, then, that makes everything just fine,\" the bo went on.\"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother\'s funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死后重生吗？”老板问他的一个员工。
“我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。
“哦，那还好”。老板接着说。
“你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
2、Talking clock
会说话的钟
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.\"What is the big bra gong and hammer for?\" one of his friends asked.\"That is the talking clock,\" the man replied.\"How\'s it work?\"
\"Watch,\" the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, \"Knock it off, you idiot! It\'s two o\'clock in the morning!\"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”
3、Pig or Witch
猪还是女巫
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pa each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells \"PIG!!\" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, \"WITCH(女巫)!!\" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen.
一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
4、Blind Date
相亲（笑话）
After being with her all evening, the man couldn\'t take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expreion and said, \"I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.\"\"Thank heavens,\" his date replied.\"If yours hadn\'t, mine would have had to!\"
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
5、The Mean Man\'s Party
吝啬鬼的聚会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, \"Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open, push with your foot.\"
\"Why use my elbow and foot?\"
\"Well, gosh,\" was the reply, \"You\'re not coming empty-handed, are you?\"
一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
一、
我们什么也没留下We Left Nothing
Mrs Brown was going out for the day.She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: \"NOBODY HOME.DON‟T LEAVE ANYTHING.\" When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked.On the note she had left, she found the following meage added:\"THANKS! WE HAVEN‟T LEFT ANYTHING!\" 我们什么也没留下
布朗太太要外出一天。 她锁好了房门，在门上给送牛奶的人钉了一张便条：“家里没人，请不要留下任何东西！” 她当天晚上回家后发现房间门被撞开，房子被洗劫一空。在她留给送奶人的便条上，她发现被补充了一句：“谢谢！我们什么也没留下！”
我去应聘时，考官是一漂亮小姐，一紧张我说了如下内容：
二、
“My name is „old five wang‟”（我叫王老五）
“I boom （炸出）at 1971year！”（我生于1971年）※born我念成了boom，反正很像。 “My toyear is 28year”（今年28岁）※事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear。 “My home have a papa and a mama and a didi”（家里有爸妈跟一个弟弟）※其实我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太顺了，所以念成didi。
“and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”（还有一个叔叔与一个表妹一个表姐跟我们住在一起）※事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch是表没错，但是watch是指手表。可是我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的英文。
“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”（我的兴趣是唱歌、看电影、操作电脑和压马路）※我念到操作电脑时，她有咦的一声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知道英文骂人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。
“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move
game and beat word”（我的专长是上网、业务、玩电动玩具和打字）
“In the future I hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”（在未来我希望能去环游世界和能帮助每一个人都很快乐）
“thank you and over！”（谢谢！完了！）
那小姐整整愣了一分钟。
三、
Next time that you think you‟re having a bad day
The average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.A minute later, a killer whale ate them both.阿拉斯加瓦尔迪兹发生石油泄漏以后，救援每只海豹的平均费用达到8万美元。在一个特别的仪式上面，有两只花巨款拯救回来的海豹，在人们的欢呼和掌声中被放回大自然。一分钟后，它们双双被一头杀人鲸吞入肚中。
四、
Blind Date(相亲）
After being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expreion and said,
\"I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.
\"\"Thank heavens,\" his date replied.\"If yours hadnt, mine would have had to!\"
和相亲对象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了.
他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话,这样他就能借故先离开了.
当他回到桌边,他垂下眼睛,装出一副阴沉的表情,说：“有个不幸的消息,我的祖父刚刚去世了.”
“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”
...
五、
小男孩与驴子 A Small Boy and a Donkey
A small boy leading a donkey paed by an Army camp.
A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad.What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.
So he wont join the army,英语笑话带翻译 the youngster replied without blinking an eye.一个小男孩牵着头驴子穿过部队营房.
两名士兵想跟小家伙开个玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牵得这么紧干什么？
这样,他就不会去参军了.小家伙眼都不眨地回答道.
