搞笑英文（精选多篇）

发布时间：2022-03-13 06:00:31 来源：其他范文收藏本文下载本文手机版

推荐第1篇：英文搞笑剧本

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校园搞笑小品剧本：英语话剧《赖皮孙子糊涂爷爷》

2009-03-16 19:08

演员:P: Pirate-Grandson.M: Mother.F: Father.K: King -Grandpa.

旁白: There are 4 members in a family, Pirate, a 7-year-old naughty boy.His mummy is a beautiful white-collar worker.His dad, Andy Lau is a famous singer, and his dear grandpa, King is a kindly old man.Pirate loves his grandpa most, because King is very spoiling him.He hates his parents.Frankly speaking, he is afraid of them, Because they are very strict with him..

正剧：(P,K出场)

P: Old King, Open the TV, I want to see Tom and Jerry.I love that mouse.Quick! No time! I can’t wait another second.

K: Oh dear! I nearly forget it.Don’t worry, I open it right now.(作开电视状) P: Ha Ha! It’s really funny! Tom is so good! (作高兴状)

Oh no! “The End!” Where is Tom? I hate the end! (摔电视机，作极度气愤状) Old King!? (对K吼)

K：Oh, what a pity dog! (作左顾右盼状) Your parents are not here ,and we can change another one ,our brave Pirate, just tell me.I’m sure your demand will be satisfied.(作充满自信状)

P：Really! OK! Now, let’s watch Caribbean Pirates!

K: Humm, No, it’s unfit for you„„ (作犹豫状)

P: I just like this film, Old King, you tell lies.You don’t keep your promise.（作气愤欲泣状）

K; Oh yes, I play it for you.(作为难状) But please be quite, I’m afraid your parents wound not like us doing these.

P: Don’t tell so much! I have been an adult man of 7 years old.I promise it to you.(作自豪自信状)

K：OK.(作舒心，安慰状)

P: Fight him, kill him.Throw these bad guys into the sea„„ (高声喊) K: Xu „„..(作禁声状).Remember your promise, young adult man.

P: Oh? What promise? I have forgotten it.(作天经地义状)

K: Oh?! You are right（作理解状，因为Pirate一贯如此，出尔反尔）

P: Old King.I give you an honorable miion.(作自豪状) Be my horse, and I will ride on your back , let’s help these people in dangerous situation, just like a brave knight.(作勇敢状)

K: What! Ride on my back! Be your horse!!(作惊异状)

P: Yes, your hearing is very good, any question? (作若无其事状)

K: No, No, sound a good idea! Very good! You are a brave Pirate.Now come on my back.(作无奈状)

P: (作高兴状，作跃上马背状) Hei! Let’s go! Kill all those bad men.Quick! Run quick! .......(意气风发状)

（M,F携手进场）:

P: Oh, my god! Mummy, Daddy! (A,D作慌忙状，挡在电视机前)

M: Dad, what are you doing!? Naughty Pirate, isn’t your trick!? (作气愤状)

P:（作阳痿状） Mummy, it’s not my fault.Old king let me maage his back.Hei Hei (作心虚状，以掩饰内心的恐惧)

M: I don’t believe it.(作严肃状) Dad, isn’t really that? (询问K)

K: Yes, of course, I can’t image a child only 5 year old, can maage so good.Oh„„.(释然状，因为圆了我的谎)

M: Really.I don’t believe the litter pirate can maage, who taught him.(作怀疑状) Dear, isn’t you ?

F: No, I haven’t, but I decide to enjoy his maage another day, Do you think so, dear?

M: Yes, really a good suggestion.

（P，D作惊恐状。A：发抖，D：挥汗)

（P挡着电视怕被M、F发现，K也为P作掩饰）

P: Mummy, Do you feel a little cold?

K: Yes, I can feel it.(边挥汗边说冷)

M: No, it’s summer.Really hot, do you catch cold?

P: No, No, just my feeling.(更加发抖，一不小心被B看到了电视)

M: Pirate, what’s behind you? (疑问状)

P: Oh, nothing, nothing! (作惊恐状)

M: Move away .little Pirate! (作气愤状)

P: Oh no! The storm will come.(捂脸作害怕状)

M: Caribbean Pirate! What’s a bad film! Little Pirate!? (气愤状)

P: Mummy, I surrender.(作投降状)

M: Daddy ,this film is unfit for him , it is full of killing，force and negative paion, and it will let him become bad !

K: I know that, but I meat to let him watch Tom and Jerry and he like it very much.Yes? Pirate? (想转移话题与Pirate站在同一战线)

P: Yes, a very clever mouse and a stupid cat.(作博学状)

M: Dad, don’t let him watch so much TV, it wastes a lot of time, and it is bad for his eyesight.He may become short-sighted.(诚恳状)

推荐第2篇：女生搞笑自我介绍英文

一个英文优秀的女生，作一个自我介绍自然不是难事，但如何通过一个特别的英文自我介绍而吸引到周围人的眼球呢？下面小编为你整理了女生搞笑自我介绍英文，希望能帮到你！

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（1）

Hi,everybody.Good to be here.Facing the audience, a thought occured to me.Mama has alway told me not to make a fool in public.But somehow I just couldn\'t follow what she said exactly.Well some people always treat me as a crazy loon.For I\'m never part of any crowd and have some dreams far-off look.I\'d even crash into someone with my nose stuck in a book.Now I\'m standing on the stage, giving a speech in English.Circumstance being that I\'m pretty nervous.Maybe some guy would just think that it\'d embara me as frightened speechle.Never mind.I\'m always good for a laugh.

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（2）

Good evening,I know it\'s 3:00pm now,But I always what to say good evening.People always call me XXX.I think if I have a choice.I would tell my parents I want to be called XX.Ok,it\'s a joke.To be in this cla is a wonderful thing.Because god has told me that we will be the NO.1 during the next 3 years.Fine, I shouldn\'t tell you this because god also has told me not to tell others.I like making friends with others a lot.So I think we will have a very good time together.But, don\'t expect me to tell you how to talk to god.Thank you.

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（3）

Self-introductionHello everyone! My is......, from Qinzhou.I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m currently a student at Guangxi Textile Industrial School.my major is knitting.It’s my pleasure to join the CHAMPION training camp, because I love English and I hope I can learn something in the training for my future work.As we all know English is very useful in every field.My English is limited that’s why I’m here.I know it’s a huge challenge for me to conquer English, but I believe that “No pains, no gains, succe belongs to the persevering”, I hope I can learn more from you, Thank you!

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（4）

Good morning !

It is really my honor to have this opportunity for a interview,I hope i can make a good performance today.

I\'m confident that I can succeed.Now i will introduce myself briefly I am 26 years old,born in shandong province .I was graduated from qingdao university.my major is electronic.and i got my bachelor degree after my graduation in the year of 2003.

I spend most of my time on study,i have paed CET4/6 .and i have acquired basic knowledge of my major during my school time.In July 2003, I begin work for a small private company as a technical support engineer in QingDao city.Because I\'m capable of more responsibilities, so I decided to change my job.

And in August 2004,I left QingDao to BeiJing and worked for a foreign enterprise as a automation software test engineer.Because I want to change my working environment, I\'d like to find a job which is more challenging.Morover Motorola is a global company, so I feel I can gain the most from working in this kind of company ennvironment.That is the reason why I come here to compete for this position.I think I\'m a good team player and I\'m a person of great honesty to others.Also I am able to work under great preure.

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（5）

Good morning !

It is really my honor to have this opportunity for a interview,

I hope i can make a good performance today.I\'m confident that I can succeed.

Now i will introduce myself briefly

I am 26 years old,born in shandong province .

I was graduated from qingdao university.my major is electronic.and i got my bachelor degree after my graduation in the year of 2003.

I spend most of my time on study,i have paed CET4/6 .and i have acquird basic knowledge of my major during my school time.

In July 2003, I begin work for a small private company as a technical support engineer in QingDao city.Because I\'m capable of more responsibilities, so I decided to change my job.

And in August 2004,I left QingDao to BeiJing and worked for a foreign enterprise as a automation software test engineer.Because I want to change my working environment, I\'d like to find a job which is more challenging.Morover Motorola is a global company, so I feel I can gain the most from workig in this kind of company ennvironment.That is the reason why I come here to compete for this position.

I think I\'m a good team player and I\'m a person of great honesty to others.Also I am able to work under great preure.

That’s all.Thank you for giving me the chance.

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（6）

Hello，everyone.My name is Zhangya。I‘m twelve years old as one student of the Grade Six Cla Tree at the No .56 middle school in the city of PingDingShan.I am a lively girl.I like draing,riding bike and surfing the internet.I have many friends,the best is Du Xingyue.There are father,mother,elder sister and me in my family.My mom is a housewife.My father is a worker.My elder sister is a university student.My family is very happy.They all love me and i also love them.

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（7）

i have spent fifteen years in my life.so, this is my ninth year to stdy.by the way, my name is wengjingru.my father thought hard about my name.he consulted the dictionary two times to find how to name me.of course, this name is very good and i like it very much.

sometimes i think i am a little strange.because i often think the wrld isn’t full of happine.and i want to be different from others.i hate superficial people.but always i am very out-going and kind to others.i can’t say ‘no’ to others.so i don’t know how to refuse.

i can’t see i am a pretty girl, but i am not an ugly person, either.i am very general.i can’t say too much about my appearance.

in this term, i make a little progre in my study.in my life, i have my parents’ love, and many, many people’s love.i am happy.i achieved so much, and i also lost so much.

my star sign is aquarius.it represents kindne and wisdom.but i don’t think i am such a clever person.maybe i am modest.aquarius has many friends.it also says that some people think i am strange because i hate to be like others.i try to do everything differently.

i like yellow the most.yellow is the color of the sun, it can remind me of a warm, sunny day.yellow is also the color of wisdom.and i like it because it is one of the colors that are vivid.

of course, most students have problems in their study.i don’t know how to make progre.i think i should work harder.that is the only way.

i like reading very much.my favorite writer is guojingming.and now i am reading a book called ‘gone with wind’.i keep reading half an hour every day.

i like english and chinese best.i want to establish an english club.i want everyone to speak english in the daily life.

all above are my real things.i hope everyone will like me.

女生搞笑自我介绍英文（8）

Hello everyone!I\'m so glad that all of you can come here today.First,my neme is xxx(your name here).You must want to know my age,but that\'s a secret.Allright,i\'m xx(your age here),not too bad(your evil smile)!My favourite hobbies are xx xx xx.Ok,guys,agin,so glad to see you,wish all of you have a good day!

推荐第3篇：《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧

Wanderseveryfivemiles

焦仲卿Johy(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)

焦母Johy’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayor’on(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)

Prologue

(J作

被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)

J:EverybodysaysthatI’mheecked,butinfact,I’matrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy

wifeisWuSong.

(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!

(内砸出一脸盆,Ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?

MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheiraverthanme,

smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender

thanme.Butsheiot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!

(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)

MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)

Act1

(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)

JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!

(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?

L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?

JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland

dearestmother-in-law”.

L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?

JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeeorude,sobrusque,so

lazy……

L:But……

JM:Neverinterruptme!

L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohy,Ihavebeenworkinghardall

daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedteofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken

and……

JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!

L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour

son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)

Act2

(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)

L:Mum,I’mback!

LM:Youareback?Why?Whathaened?

L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.

LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouiistedon

marryingthatterribleJohy,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten

tome.Lookatyourself……

L:But,mum……

LM:Neverinterruptme!

L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And

I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.

LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’oninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter

Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo

andtellhim.(下

推荐第4篇：英文小品搞笑剧本

小品是一种有趣的表演方式，大家喜欢看小品节目吗？以下是小编精心准备的英文小品搞笑剧本，大家可以参考以下内容哦！

四人搞笑英文小品剧本【1】

Narration: Carrie, Cici and Wing are co-worker of a company.This day they are talking in the office.

Ca: Bingo! I finally finish this case.It is really tough! I have not slept well for almost a week.

Wing: Me too .I always get so busy in this season.I have drunk three cups of coffee in order to keep awake.

Ci: Our bo must be enjoying his holiday in Fiji very much.What do you think he will feel when he comes back to see our case?

Ca:Of course he will feel surprised and give each of us a promotion.

Wing: Come on, he is a devil, how could he do this to us? Anyway, we should award ourselves for these days hard work!

Ca: You are right.Let’s pig out on junk food!

Wing: I have stayed in China for a whole year and I mi my hometown.I mi German food!

Ca: so do I .how much I love French food!

Ci: I have not eaten German or French food before.Do you have any recommendation?

Ca: If you visit France or go to a French restaurant, snails, cheese, and goose liver and red wine are the best choices.from

Wing: You also can’t mi the famous German sausage, ham and blue checse

Ci: They all sound yummy.But do you know what Chinese eat when they mi their families?

Wing&Ca: No

Ci: The answer is dumplings!

Ca:Well ,I heard that before though I haven’t tasted .

Wing: Can you make dumplings, CiCi? Would you make some for us? I have been longing for dumplings for a long time.

Ci: Aha, it is as easy as a pie for me .what about coming to my house tonight? We can make dumplings together.I will teach you how to cook it.

Ca: Great! That is fantastic.Then it will be the first time to make and eat dumplings

Wing: Very good idea! We could busy some basic ingredient at the supper market after work.

Ci: Sure.We need flour, yeast, pork, cabbages, vinegar, sauce and ginger.

(The three colleagues had their shopping and now they are in CiCi’s house)

CiCiours some pour on the table and said:”Carrie, can you fetch some water here?”

Ca: sure, here you are .what s next?

Ci:Ci:we have to mix the flour yeast and water together .be careful ,don’t add too much water.

Ca: Okay, I’m kneeing the dough repentedly.it is becoming and softer

Wing: Yeah, I am cutting the pork into many small pieces, and then I will add several spoons of oil in it .shall I blend them?

CiCi: Yes, make sure they blend well.A bit salt and a spoon of vinegar are needed, too.

(an hour later)

Ca: Yes, the dumplings are prepared .lets start!

CiCi: Wait! I remember well that you all mi the food from your hometown.Look, what are these?

Ca: Wow! Cheese! Where did you get it? And my favorite red wine.

Wing: God.Those are sausage and ham, I can’t believe it!

CiCi: Haha, it is a big surprise, isn’t it? Now ,we are got all three countries’ food ready.

Ca: So it is a complete big meal.

Wing: An unforgettable banquet in my life.Let’s cheers!

Ca, Ci, Wing: Cheers!

英语搞笑小品剧本【2】

(Original script)

(William carry his bag to school)

William: Today is my very first day at campus, I heard of campus is a ivory tower and full of joy, in there,I can broaden my horizon and follow my interest to making friends, especially the aociation of campus is a shinning view, look ,there is a hip-hop aociation, I will go there, follow me.

Aociation : Howdy, guys, come here.

Are you a freshman?

William: Yeah.Could you tell me something about your aociation?

Aociation：Of course.Firstly, let me ask you some questions.

Do you want to show your talent? (YES)

Do you want to enrich your campus life? (YES)

Do you want to be a star? (YES)

So, this is the stage what you want, we’ll give you many chances to show your style.Come on, no hesitation.

W: Okay, that’s great, I will join you.

Voice-over：A month later, William had come to know that he has a lot of things to do, he is confused there.

William: This is my homework, and this is my activity, which one I should choose? Oh my god, who can help me?

Voice-over：At that time, the learning angel and the hip-hop fairy come to his mind at the same time.

Learning Angel: To be or not to be, that is a question.Litter William, Shakespeare is calling you.This is the ocean of knowledge , the heaven of literature.Please take your book and come to my world.

W: Okay, angel , wait me …wait me.

Voice-over: Suddenly, the hip-hop fairy is coming.

Hip-pop fairy: Yo yo yo! Everybody! Push you hands up.(Singing)Buddy you’re a boy make a big noise playing in the street gonna be a big man someday, you’ve got the mud on your face, big disgrace, kicking your can all over the place.Singing, we will we will rock you.Singing, we will we will rock you.

What’s boy? Come with me, we have a big party.Hurry up!

William: Wow, so cool, take me away.(leave his book on the floor)

Learning Angel：No! Stop！

(Face to William)You can’t do it.It is time to study.

(Face to Hip-pop fairy)And you, who are you?(The tone with provocation)

Hip-pop fairy: It’s none of your busine, it’s time for fun, get out of his world, he should come with me.

Learning Angel: No! You can’t! Shut up!

Hip-pop fairy: What? What? ( Disputing)

William: All right… all right.Calm down….calm down guys!We must have a talk!

Learning Angel and Hip-hop fairy: Okay…okay.(Calm down)

William: (Face to Learning Angel)You, you’re the important part of my life, I know I should pay more attention to you.

But, you（Face to Hip-hop fairy）,without you, my life is not complete.

(Face to audiences)Learning angel is my right hand, Hip-hop fairy is my left hand, you should get well alone with each other and work together, I need you to create my beautiful campus life.

Learning Angel: Okay, William is right.

Hip-hop fairy: Yes, I really think we should be friends.(shake hands)

(Singing together)

William: They’re the girl on my mind and I know I’m thinking of them, on my way through the day and the night the stars shine above me.

L/H: We have been heard some words about the guy he is too much stronger, and we will singing the song, hoping we will happy together.

W/L/H: Our hearts go sha la la la la,

sha la la in the moring,

oh sha la la la la, sha la la in the sunshine,

our hearts go sha la la la la,

sha la la in the evening ,

oh sha la la la la ,

sha la la la la just for you.

W/L/H: We hope all of you could find a right position of your life, balance your study and entertainment, make you life full of joy and create some unforgettable memories, at last , we hope you will “make it better”.

The end…

推荐第5篇：白雪公主英文搞笑话剧

白雪公主英文搞笑话剧

第一场

旁白：Once upon a time, there was a queen.She had a pretty daughter named Snow White.Soon after the child was born, the queen died.The kind married another queen.The stepmother was very jealous and cruel.She treated Snow White badly.在很久很久以前，有一个皇后，她有一个名叫白雪公主的可爱女儿。在这个孩子出生不久，皇后就去世了。国王娶了另外一个皇后，这个后妈很妒忌别人和残忍。她对待白雪公主的态度非常坏。公主:(出场,) 唱：【I\'m a cute cute girl with a bad bad mom.It\'s a big big thing if you love me.选自big big world】My horror mother always obliges me, such a beautiful，handsome，humor，smart，lovely，kind prince to do a lot of homework…oh I cannot bear it.So I just make a brilliant decision: running away(离开) 我恐怖的后妈总是逼我这样一个美丽，帅气，幽默，聪明，可爱，善良的公主去做很多的作业……噢，我不能忍受了。所以，我就做了一个很明智的选择：离开这里。皇后(上场)：I’m the legendary cruel queen , oh，no ，it’sthe legendary beautiful、greedy、bloody queen.If anyone is more beautiful than me, I’ll kill her.I have a magic mirror.If I want to know something, It will tell me surely.Now, mirror, mirror, come here!我就是传授中残忍的皇后，噢，不，是传说中美丽，贪婪、嗜血的皇后。如果有人比我更美丽，我就会杀了她。我有一个魔镜，如果我想知道一些东邪，它一定会告诉我。现在，魔镜，魔镜，来这里！

魔镜：（跑上来，双手叉腰）Yes, I’m coming.What do you want to know?是的，我来了，你想知道些什么？皇后：Mirror, mirror, on the wall.Tell me the truth, who is the most beautiful woman in the world?咒语，告诉我真相，谁是世界上最美丽的女人？

魔镜： You are really the fairest of all, I think.皇后，我想你的确是非常漂亮的女人。

皇后：General（举双手）哈哈哈！哈哈哈！I am the most beautiful woman in the world!一般啦，哈哈哈哈哈哈，我是世界上最美丽的女人！

魔镜： But,neverthele,however,whereas,（边说边退，举手挡住脸）there is a young lady.She is as white as snow, as red as rose and as black as ebony.She is much more beautiful than you.可是，可是,，可是，有一个年轻的女士，她就是白雪公主，红得如玫瑰，黑得如乌木。她比你美丽更多倍！皇后：（抓狂样）：She is much more beautiful than me? Who is she? Tell me quickly!她比我更美丽得多？她是谁？快点告诉我

魔镜：I say again.She is Snow White.我再说一次，她是白雪公主。

皇后：Snow White? No, I’m the most beautiful in the world.……（沉思）（响指）hunter！come here, come here! 白雪公主？不，我是世界上最美丽的人……猎人，来这里，来这里！

猎人： Here！（敬礼少息立正）我在这里！

皇后：I heard Snow White haddisappearance from my palace .I order you to find her out and kill her.我听说白雪公主从我的地盘消失了，我命令你去把她找出来，然后杀掉她。

猎人：But she is the prince.Even given money, I would not do such immoral things.但是她是公主，即使给钱，我也不会做这样不道德的事情。

皇后：（抽出钞票，挥着下台）

猎人：（两眼发直，追随钞票）Oh money！！噢，钱啊！！公主和猎人上场。第二场

猎人：You must be Snow White.你一定是白雪公主！

公主和猎人追逐半场。Although I don’t have the heart to kill you,but， your mother want me to.(拿刀欲刺状)虽然我没有要杀你的心，但是你妈妈想我这样做。

公主：（双手合于胸前）My dear hunter, I admire you just like the yellow river, never endle.I have eighty-year-old mother up, three-year-old boy down.Please don’t kill me.Give me the life, please!我亲爱的猎人，我对你的敬意有如滔滔江水连绵不绝。我上有老，下有小。请别杀我，给我一条活路吧！猎人：No way.Give me your life.(举刀刺向公主，忽然，捂住自己的肚子，自语) Maybe I ate too much this morning,

Maybe there is something wrong with the rice.(抬头) where is the toilet?不行，把你的生命给我。或许我今天早上吃太多了，或许米饭有点问题。哪里有厕所？公主：T-o-i-l-e-t-? 猎人：WC.厕所。

公主：W-C-? 猎人：（急）WC！！Are you happy to hear such rude words?厕所啊！你很开心听到这样粗如的单词吗？公主：I know, I know.Turn left, left and left.我知道，我知道，转左，转左，再转左第三场

旁白：Prince continued to begin her life of escaping.A week later.In the night which you can’t see your five fingers if you stretch out your hand, there was a small girls running panic in the dark forest公主又继续开始逃亡的生活。在一个伸手不见五指的夜里，漆黑的森林里有一个小女孩惊慌的跑着。公主：（上场，跑圈）Help！救命！

旁白：Snow White Looked haggard and weared rags running unceasingly Suddenly,she found a little house.她衣衫褴褛，面色憔悴，不时地回头张望，脚下却不敢停留。忽然间，她发现前面有一座小房子.（公主伸手求救状，推门）

公主：Eat! Bread should! Apple also！wa kao!Leaves also can’t be left out.吃的！面包也要！苹果也要！我kao，菜叶子也不放过！！旁白:The Snow White was sitting on the chair eating crazily.Half an hour later.公主坐在椅子上开吃，半小时过去。公主：（打嗝）

旁白：After eating and drinking,she felt very weary and wanted to have a rest.So she quikly fell asleep.吃过喝过之后，她觉得非常疲倦，想休息休息，就很快就睡着了……

旁白： When it was dark, the owners of the cottage came back.They were seven dwarfs.They were digging treasure in the mountain.不久，房子的主人们回来了，他们是七个在山里小矮人.（小矮人上）

：Turn left（众人随便转）Number off（众人胡报）向左~转！报数！ : oh my god……

：I’m the Happy.I’m the happiest person in the world.我是快乐的。我是世界上最幸福的人。：I’m the Sneezy.If I sneeze, the earth will shake.我是打喷嚏。如果我打喷嚏，地球会动摇。：Look, the lamp in our house is on! 看，我们房子里有灯亮着！：Who is in it?谁在里面？：Perhaps it’s the ghost!或许是鬼！

：Let’s go into our cottage silently.让我们一起静静地进去。：（踢门，看到公主喊）Dinosaur! （拉手，蹭入）恐龙！

：Dinosaur!beat!恐龙！打！

公主：Don’t beat me in my face! Don’t beat me in my face!别打我脸，别打我脸~~ ：（拿灯照公主状）

旁白： When dwarfs was holding the candle and let the light fall on little snow-white.They all cried out with astonishment.当小矮人手持蜡烛，并让团小小的雪白的光下降。他们都惊讶地叫了出来。：Stop（众人后跳一步，公主起，望众人）停！

：Wa!Beaty! What a lovely child! How beautiful! 哇，美女！多么可爱的小孩！多美丽啊！：Who are you?你是谁？

: Where are you from？你从哪里来？

: Why are you coming here?你为什么要到这里？

公主：Ladies and gentlemen.I am Snow White.I am 16 years old.Now I am on kindergarten and still not married.The truth is that先生们，女士们。我叫白雪公主，今年15岁，上幼稚园，还没有结婚。事情其实这样的…… 旁白：Prince told the whole proce of the story to the dwarfs.Then the dwarfs began to discu wether

to keep Snow White back.公主把事情的经过告诉了矮人们此时，七个小矮人讨论是否留下白雪公主公主：（欲听众人决定，双手放在耳朵处）

：It is a deal!Where there is difficulty,there is help!Even if there doesn’t have any difficulty,we nust make one and go to help!就这么办！有困难要帮，没有困难，制造困难也要帮呀~~~~ : If you do some cooking for us.If you make the beds for us.如果你可以为我们煮饭，为我们铺床。

：If you do some washing, you can stay with us.如果你可以为我们洗衣服，你就可以留在这里，同我们一起居住。

：But you must be careful.但是你要小心！

：Don’t go out.Don’t let anyone come in.Your stepmother will find you and kill you.不要出去，不要让任何人进来，你的后妈会把你找到然后杀了你。

公主：You are so kind to me!你们对我太好了！

旁白：From then on, Snow White kept the house.When the three dwarfs came back, she had everything prepared.On the other hand, the queen didn’t receive the hunter’s information.She was anxious.从此，白雪公主就住在了小屋里。另一方面，皇后等不到猎人的消息，她很急。第四场

皇后上场

旁白：The wicked queen took out the mirror。邪恶的王后拿出魔镜。魔镜上场。

皇后：（蹭魔镜）Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most beautiful in the world?咒语，谁是世界上最美丽的人？

魔镜： You are the most beautiful in the world.But, however, whereas, neverthele , Snow White is still alive and well.（一边摆手，退，逃）She lives with the seven dwarfs.No one is more beautiful than she.你是世界上最美丽的人，但是，但是，但是，白雪公主还活着，她跟七个小矮人住在一起，没有人比她更美丽。皇后：（抓头）No! Snow White must die.I had to let her disappear in the world.keep calm, Let me see!（皇后站起）Ok,I get one！不，白雪公主必须死，我必须让她在世界上消失。保持冷静，让我想想！好，我想到一个办法了！

旁白：The queen made a poisonous apple and dreed herself like an old woman.She came to the cottage.王后做了有毒的苹果和一个老妇人打扮自己。她来到了山寨。

皇后：Good things to sell.Pretty things to sell.Cheap.Very cheap.有好东西卖，有好东西卖，便宜啊，非常便宜的。

公主：Hi, my good lady.What do you sell?你好，我亲爱的女士，你要卖什么？

皇后：Apples.Very delicious apples! Do you want to have a taste?苹果，很美味的苹果！你想试一下吗？公主：Do you have anycarrots?你有胡萝卜吗？皇后：Do you want some apples?你想要一些苹果吗？公主：Do you have any carrots?你有胡萝卜么？

皇后：（大声）My question is that: Do you have any carrots?Oh,no,no，no， Do you want some apples?我要问的问题是：你有一些胡萝卜吗？噢，不，不，不，是你想要些苹果吗？公主：Oh，apple……Do you have any carrots?噢，你有些胡萝卜吗？（皇后逼近公主，把苹果塞在公主嘴里）

公主：（正经状）It is poisonous!（闭眼，倒，坐椅子上）它是有毒的！

（皇后大笑）哈哈哈！哈哈哈！Now I’m the most beautiful in the world.I have a dream today! I have a dream that one day，I can be the most beautiful woman in the world.现在我是世界上美丽的人，我的梦想实现了，我的梦想有实现的一天，我成为世界上最美丽的人了！

旁白：Sn ow White\'s death is like a star acro the midnight.After so many years whenever I look up to the lonely night sky。When the seven dwarfs came from work.They were greatly surprise to see Snow White

dead.白雪公主的死就像流星划过子夜，多年后每当我仰望寂寞的星空，总会想起这样一句话：“有的人的死重于泰山，而有的人的死则轻于鸿毛，轻于鸿毛……当七个小矮人下班回来，他们非常惊讶的看到白雪公主死了。

旁白： Although Snow White had been dead a long, long time.But she looked as if she was living.She looked as white as snow, as red as rose and as black as ebony.However, one day, a prince came to the seven dwarfs’ house.When he saw Snow White, he fell in love with her.虽然白雪公主死了很长时间，但是她看起来还是活生生的。她看起来白的如雪，红的如玫瑰，黑的如乌木。但是，有一天，一个王子来到了七个小矮人的房子前。当他看见了白雪公主，他就爱上了她第五场

王子：Please, let me marry Snow White.I love her.I want her to be my wife.请让我娶白雪公主，我爱她，我想她成为我的妻子。

:May I have your name,please?我能知道你的名字吗？王子: (从兜里掏出一卷卫生纸递给B) :(看到)I’m very busy for the duels every day——The Texas Cowboy.我每天都很忙——德州牛仔。 :But why should we believe you?但是我们为什么要相信你呢？

王子:I love her.I love this life will not be a second girl.我爱她，我不会再像爱她一样爱第二个女孩。

:But she is dead.While we don’t want to admit that she was dead。但是她已经死了，虽然我们不想承认，但她已经死了

王子:(朝公主深情地看了看，抓住她的手) I would like to

become a

fairy tale the angel you love, open arms into wings to protect you, you have to believe, believe we will be like a fairy tale, happine and joy in the end.我要变成童话里你爱的那个天使，展开双手变成翅膀守护你，你要相信，相信我们会像童话故事里，幸福和快乐是结局。旁白：Snow White came to her life,as was written in the magic book of the wicked queen.But she turned into a tigre.白雪公主苏醒过来了，就像邪恶的皇后的魔法书一样神奇。但是她转变成了一个母老虎的性格。公主:Oh,who destroyed my dreams!I feel very angry!噢，是谁吵醒了我们美梦！我感到很生气！王子: Please forgive me, noble prince.It’s me.请饶恕我，高贵的公主，是我。

旁白: prince fanned a slap in the face of the prince .The seven dwarfs ran away.公主给了王子一个耳光，七个小矮人逃走了。

ABCDEFG: Dear Prince, we give you prince.(逃走)亲爱的王子，我把公主让给你！ (白雪公主扯着王子的耳朵离开)

旁白: Later, the prince and Snow White married.But the prince\'s life is very tragic.最后，王子和公主结婚了，但是王子的生活却格外的凄惨！谢幕！

推荐第6篇：白雪公主英文搞笑话剧

http://www.daodoc.com/programs/view/o12KwEDtlyY/isRenhe=1

白雪公主英文搞笑话剧

The snow white story

角色：公主皇后墨镜旁白两个矮人猎人（可一人演两个）

旁白纪力：Once upon a time, there was a queen.She had a pretty daughter named Snow White.Soon after the child was born, the queen died.The king married another queen.The stepmother was very jealous and cruel.She treated Snow White badly.

公主宏:(出场,) 唱：【I\'m a cute cute girl with a bad bad mom.It\'s a big big thing if you love me.选自big big world】My horror mother always obliges me, such a beautiful，handsome，humor smart，lovely，delicious prince to do a lot of homework„oh I cannot bear it.So I just make a brilliant decision: running away~ 唱：【go go go oleo le ole选自世界杯主题曲】(离开)

皇后粘(上场)：I’m the legendary cruel queen , oh，no the legendary beautiful、greedy、bloody queen.If anyone is more beautiful than me, I’ll kill her.I have a magic mirror.If I want to know something, It will tell me surely.Now, mirror, mirror, come here!

魔镜朝全：（跑上来，双手叉腰）Yes, I’m coming.What do you want to know?

皇后粘：Mirror, mirror, on the wall.Tell me the truth, who is the most beautiful woman in the world?

魔镜朝全：歌：【everytime I try to lie I fail without my heart,I feel so sad,】You are really the fairest of all, I think.{ 皇后，你的确是非常漂亮的女人。}

皇后粘：General啦{一般啦}（举双手）哈哈哈！哈哈哈！I am the most beautiful woman in the world!

魔镜朝全： But,neverthele,however,whereas, 可是，可是,（边说边退，举手挡住脸）there is a young lady.She is as white as snow, as red as rose and as black as ebony.She is much more beautiful than you.

皇后粘：（抓狂样）：She is much more beautiful than me? 歌：【my jealousne is killing me and I，and I must confe，I’m still paining.选在布兰妮的baby baby more time】Who is she? Tell me quickly!

魔镜朝全： She is Snow White.

皇后粘：Snow White? No, I’m the most beautiful in the world.„„（沉思）（响指）hunter！come here, come here!

猎人伟新： Here！（敬礼少息立正）

皇后粘：I heard Snow White had fleeted from my palace .I order you to find her out and kill her.

猎人伟新：But she is the prince.Even given money, I would not do such immoral things.{即使给钱，我也不会做这样不道德的事情。}

皇后：（抽出钞票，挥着下台）

猎人伟新：（两眼发直，追随钞票）Oh money！！

公主和猎人上场。

猎人伟新：You must be Snow White. 公主和猎人追逐半场。

1 公主： In the night which you can’t see your toe if you stretch out your hand.{在一个伸手不见脚趾的夜晚}，（声音提起）He ,he he he{他，他他他}„„He grasped my left hand {他抓住了我的左手}，（猎人抓公主左手）And then,he he he„He also grasped my right hand {然后，他，他他„„他又抓住了我的右手}，（二人转180度，猎人抓公主右手）(公主害羞状)He invited me to dance.

猎人伟新：歌：【take me to your heart ,take me to your soul ,give me your hand before I\'m old 选自吻别】Although I don’t have the heart to kill you, your mother want me to.(拿刀欲刺状)

猎人伟新：No way.Give me your life.(举刀刺向公主，忽然，捂住自己的肚子，自语) Maybe I ate too much this morning, Maybe there is something wrong with the rice.(抬头) where is the toilet?

公主：T-o-i-l-e-t-? 猎人伟新：WC. 公主：W-C-?

猎人伟新：（急）茅厕！！Are you happy to hear such rude words? 公主：I know, I know.Turn left, left and left. 猎人伟新（下场）公主（之后下场）

旁白纪力：Prince continued to begin her life of escaping.{公主又继续开始逃亡的生活} A week later.there was a small girls running panic in the dark forest {在一个伸手不见五指的夜里，漆黑的森林里有一个小女孩惊慌的跑着}。

公主：（上场，跑圈）Help！

旁白纪力：Snow White Looked haggard and worn rags running unceasingly Suddenly, she found a little house.她衣衫褴褛，面色憔悴，不时地回头张望，脚下却不敢停留。忽然间，她发现前面有一座小房子.

（公主伸手求救状，推门）

公主：Eat! Bread should! Apple also！wa kao!Leaves also can’t be left out.{吃的！面包也要！苹果也要！我kao，菜叶子也不放过！！}

旁白天骄:The Snow White was sitting on the chair eating crazily.Half an hour later.{公主坐在椅子上开吃，半小时过去}.

公主：（打嗝）

旁白天骄：After eating and drinking,she felt very weary and wanted to have a rest.So she quikly fell asleep.{吃过喝过之后，她觉得非常疲倦，想休息休息，就很快就睡着了„„}

旁白天骄： When it was dark, the owners of the cottage came back.They were two dwarfs.They were digging treasure in the mountain.{不久，房子的主人们回来了，他们是七个在山里小矮人}. （小矮人上）

B：wait，wait，Let’s go into our cottage silently. A：（踢门，看到公主喊）dinosaur! （拉手，蹭入）

B：Dinosaur!beat!{恐龙！打！}

公主：Don’t beat me in my face! Don’t beat me in my face!{别打我脸，别打我脸~~ } B：（拿灯照公主状）

2 B：Stop{停！} （众人后跳一步，公主起，望众人）

A：Wa!Beaty!{哇，美女} What a lovely child! How beautiful! B：Who are you?

公主：Ladies and gentlemen.I am Snow White.I am 16 years old.Now I am on kindergarten and still not married.先生们，女士们。我叫白雪公主，今年15岁，上幼稚园，还没有结婚。

旁白天骄：Prince told the whole proce of the story to the dwarfs.{公主把事情的经过告诉了矮人们}Then the dwarfs began to discu whether to keep Snow White back.{此时，七个小矮人讨论是否留下白雪公主}

公主：（欲听众人决定，双手放在耳朵处）

B: I think she might stay with us.

A：I agree with you， Hey girl, don\'t be afraid, we will help you and beat the bad queen.

公主：You are so kind to me!{你们对我太好了！}

旁白天骄：From then on, Snow White kept the house.On the other hand, the queen didn’t receive the hunter’s information.She was anxious like the ants in her pants, grabbing the wall.皇后等不到猎人的消息，她急得如热锅上的蚂蚁，直挠墙。

皇后上场（很傻地跳舞，挠墙状）

旁白天骄：The wicked queen took out the mirror。

魔镜上场。

皇后：（蹭魔镜）Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of all?

魔镜：歌：【Every time you look at me ,My heart is jumping, it\'s easy to see选自布兰妮crazy】You are the fairest of all.But Snow White is still alive and well.But, however, whereas, neverthele , （一边摆手，退，逃）She lives with the two dwarfs.No one is more beautiful than she.{你仍然很漂亮，但是，但是白雪公主比你还漂亮。}

皇后：（抓头）No! Snow White must die.I must finish her in person even if it costs my life.Just keep calm, Let me see!（盘坐在地。两手在头上画画如一休）歌：【格叽格叽格叽格叽格叽格叽„】（皇后站起）Ok,I get one.

旁白伟新：The queen made a poisonous apple and dreed herself like an old woman.She came to the cottage.

皇后：Good things to sell.Pretty things to sell.Cheap.Very cheap.

公主：Hi, good day, my good lady.What do you sell?

皇后：Apples.Very delicious apples! Do you want to have a taste? 公主：Do you have some oranges ?你有橘子吗？

皇后：Do you want some apples?

公主：Do you have some oranges?你有橘子么？

皇后：（大声）My question is that: Do you have any oranges ?Oh, no, Do you want some apples? 公主：哦，apple呀„„Do you have some oranges?

（皇后逼近公主，把苹果塞在公主嘴里）

公主：（正经状）It is poisonous!（闭眼，倒，坐椅子上）

（皇后大笑）哈哈哈！哈哈哈！Now I’m the most beautiful in the world.I have a dream that one day，I can be the most beautiful woman in the world.

旁白伟新：Snow White died.When the three dwarfs came from work.They were greatly surprise to see Snow White dead.

（小矮人上，见公主，围半圆）

A：（揣公主）Hey! Don’t sleep like a pig ! Go to work! 嘿，猪，别睡了，快干活！（见其无反应，试其鼻息，做白痴状）

B：She died! What’s the matter?

A：（摸之，做惊恐状，看B）Oh, my God! Who did it? It must be the wicked queen.

AB：歌：【wherever you go, whatever you do ,I will be right here waiting for you选自此情可待】（唱完，众人掩面而泣，同时用手指弹眼泪给对方）

旁白伟新： Although Snow White had been dead a long, long time.She looked as if she was living.She looked as white as snow, as red as rose and as black as ebony.However, one day, it happened a prince came to the two dwarfs’ house.When he saw Snow White, he fell in love with her.

王子：Please, let me have Snow White.I love her.I want her to be my wife.

A： May I have your name, please? (怀有敌意的说)

王子：(从兜里掏出一卷卫生纸递给A) It is my busine card.

A: （举起来看看，惊讶状！）Prince

A：Ok! Carry Snow White with you to your palace.Be sure to be kind to her.

王子：(对着公主作深情状)Sure, I will.I will love you forever, my dear! I love you just like the mouse likes the rice.You are the one I first kied, and I hope you will be the last one.( Ki her用手捂住公主的嘴亲自己的手)

旁白伟新：As soon as the prince kied Snow White, Snow White came to her life.

公主：Oh, my heaven! Where am I? What had happened? 歌【 You drive me crazy ,I just cant sleep ,Im so excited, I\'m in too deep】

王子：You are with me, my dear.I love you.I love you more than everything in the world.Please be my wife, will you?

公主：Yes, I will, my dear!

王子：（又是深情状，手唔心脏，转向远方）My lovely lady， Once there was a truest love put before my eyes ,but I didn\'t cherish it.Only after losing it .I found myself regretting.No pains in the world comes near this, if God Could give me another chance, I would say to the girl “I love you! “If there had to be a limit of time before the end of love.I hope it would be ten thousand years.曾经，有一份真诚的爱情放在我面前，我没有珍惜，等到我失去的时候才后悔莫及，人世间最痛苦的事莫过于此，如果上天能够给我一个再来一次的机会，我会对那个女孩子说三个字： “我爱你。”如果非要在这份爱上加上一个期限，我希望是一万年！歌【Near...far...Wherever you are，I believe That the heart does go on 选自我心永恒】

三矮人：Oh! Congratulations! Congratulations!

旁白伟新：The prince took Snow White to the palace.Their wedding was held with great show.The story is ended, thank you! 谢幕。

推荐第7篇：最搞笑的英文自我介绍

无论是在面试还是学校里，生活中，幽默的自我介绍可以为你加分不少，小编为大家整理了幽默英文自我介绍，希望对大家有所帮助。

1、Hi,everybody.Good to be here.Facing the audience, a thought occured to me.Mama has alway told me not to make a fool in public.But somehow I just couldn\'t follow what she said exactly.Well some people always treat me as a crazy loon.For I\'m never part of any crowd and have some dreams far-off look.I\'d even crash into someone with my nose stuck in a book.Now I\'m standing on the stage, giving a speech in English.Circumstance being that I\'m pretty nervous.Maybe some guy would just think that it\'d embara me as frightened speechle.Never mind.I\'m always good for a laugh.2、Self-introductionHello everyone! My is......, from Qinzhou.I’m so glad to meet you, and I’m currently a student at Guangxi Textile Industrial School.my major is knitting.It’s my pleasure to join the CHAMPION training camp, because I love English and I hope I can learn something in the training for my future work.As we all know English is very useful in every field.My English is limited that’s why I’m here.I know it’s a huge challenge for me to conquer English, but I believe that “No pains, no gains, succe belongs to the persevering”, I hope I can learn more from you, Thank you!

3、Good morning !

It is really my honor to have this opportunity for a interview,I hope i can make a good performance today.I\'m confident that I can succeed.Now i will introduce myself briefly I am 26 years old,born in shandong province .I was graduated from qingdao university.my major is electronic.and i got my bachelor degree after my graduation in the year of 2003.

4、Good morning !

It is really my honor to have this opportunity for a interview,

I hope i can make a good performance today.I\'m confident that I can succeed.Now i will introduce myself briefly

I am 26 years old,born in shandong province .

I was graduated from qingdao university.my major is electronic.and i got my bachelor degree after my graduation in the year of 2003.

I spend most of my time on study,i have paed CET4/6 .and i have acquired basic knowledge of my major during my school time.

In July 2003, I begin work for a small private company as a technical support engineer in QingDao city.Because I\'m capable of more responsibilities, so I decided to change my job.

I think I\'m a good team player and I\'m a person of great honesty to others.Also I am able to work under great preure.

That’s all.Thank you for giving me the chance.

5、Hello，everyone.My name is Zhangya。I‘m twelve years old as one student of the Grade Six Cla Tree at the No .56 middle school in the city of PingDingShan.I am a lively girl.I like drawing,riding bike and surfing the internet.I have many friends,the best is Du Xingyue.There are father,mother,elder sister and me in my family.My mom is a housewife.My father is a worker.My elder sister is a university student.My family is very happy.They all love me and i also love them.

6、Good evening,I know it\'s 3:00pm now,But I always what to say good evening.People always call me XXX.I think if I have a choice.I would tell my parents I want to be called XX.Ok,it\'s a joke.To be in this cla is a wonderful thing.Because god has told me that we will be the NO.1 during the next 3 years.Fine, I shouldn\'t tell you this because god also has told me not to tell others.I like making friends with others a lot.So I think we will have a very good time together.But, don\'t expect me to tell you how to talk to god.Thank you.7、Hi, guys.As you know, we\'re fellow students.You are all familiar with me.So, what should I start with? Haw, it\'s somewhat embarraing to tell you what you know well.But it doesn\'t matter at all.I\'m here just for practicing my English.It\'s very important of your support.Let\'s go to busine now.

Hum-hum, first of all, you all know well my name.I\'m from XX.Besides, I cannot tell you how old I am because it\'s a secret of a lady\'s age.The next, I like singing, swimming,crying, haw-haw...It is too much than what I could tell in one time.I like icecream, apple, orange, banana, and so on.Then let me introduce my family.My father...,and my mother...What a pity that I have no brothers or sisters.But fortunately, I have you as my clamates and friends.You really help me a lot.As well, I also enjoy helping each of you.Do you know my personalities? In fact, I\'m not so clear.8、Hello everyone!I\'m so glad that all of you can come here today.First,my neme is xxx(your name here).You must want to know my age,but that\'s a secret.Allright,i\'m xx(your age here),not too bad(your evil smile)!My favourite hobbies are xx xx xx.Ok,guys,agin,so glad to see you,wish all of you have a good day!

推荐第8篇：英语西游记英文搞笑剧本

孙悟空 Monkey ( M for short ) 白骨精 Jenny White ( J for short ) 唐僧 Tang Seng ( T for short ) 黄袍怪 Yellow ( Y for short ) 沙僧 Sha Seng ( S for short ) 猪八戒 Pig ( P for short ) Act 1 （J 照着镜子上台）

（这时，电话铃响了起来，J不耐烦地接过听筒，于是，一个更另她心烦的声音就在电话那头响起。）

Y: Hello! It’s me.J: I know it’s you.You call me every day ，it has 400 years 。 Y: And today, I’ll ask the same question again.Will you marry me? (J对这位契而不舍的追求者已厌烦到了极点。) J: You wish ! I get one more pimple.How bad! Y: Ah! I just call to tell you the meat of Tang Seng can make you beautiful and Tang Seng will come to our place.We can go and catch him together.J: ok ,ok,.I will have a rest.(不待Y说完，J就没好气地挂断了电话。) Y；Refuse me again .I will never give up.(说罢，好不威风的下台去了) J: How nasty he is! ( 她想了想，说 ) But Tang Seng is really good for me.（拿起一副望远镜。J便观察起T的行踪来。) J: ( 欢喜万分 ) Ah-ha,

(M握着金箍棒在前面探路,打电话给T) M：Hi,master.T; monkey,where are we ? M; DaHuangZheng,JieShouShi M; Ok，we are coming.(P在前面摇摆走着，T随后，可怜S提着许多行李上台) M；master，please（指着一休息地方）

（J拿起一纸筒，把耳朵凑上去偷听T师徒四人谈话）

T: Monkey! You are great, thank you very much ,I am happy to be your teacher and......(P懒洋洋地突然打断 ) P: Sir! I’m so hungry.T: I’m hungry too.Monkey, go and buy some food。Don’t go to LanZhouNiurouMianGuan and LiuYiFanDian, just go to ChangQingFanDian.It is cheap。

（M点头答应，欲要离去）

T; monkey,just go to changqingfandian.M; yes sir.( 欲要离去) T; monkey,wash your box.M; ok.ok( 欲要离去) T; monkey,be careful M; thank you sir( 欲要离去) T; monkey....(M不耐烦打断) M；you,go away(飞奔而去)

（剩余师徒三人拿出经书念起三字经，一会就睡着了。舞台另一头的J听了不禁眉开眼笑。） J: It’s a good time.（J迅速地打扮好，挎着篮子走到了T师徒的面前。P闻着香味醒了，并叫醒师傅） P: Ah, a beautiful girl.Hello! What’s in your basket? It smells nice! J: Some food for my son.《husband》- P: I’m hungry.Can I have some?

（心急的P伸手去拿篮子里的东西，J假装惊慌地护住了篮子。） T: Pig! be polite.J: You are very kind.I can give you some food.T: （双手合十）Good girl。

M: Monster! （T听到Monster一词立刻吓得晕倒在S怀中。S惊恐万分） S；master master,Pig Pig, come here M: No matter how big you are, I’ll kill you.J: How nasty you are! M: Monster! Take my stick! （M举起金箍棒就要向J的头顶击下。就在这千钧一发之际，P忽然扑上去将M拦腰抱住） P: Beauty, run! Run run.

(T 逃过一劫，对各位徒弟尤其是M的拼死保护感动之至，对S说；monkey is great。情不自禁地唱起了Only You。其结果，三个土地全头痛欲裂，大吐特吐。) （终于，T唱完了）

T: ( 清清嗓子 ) Monkey, go and buy the lunch.I’m very hungry.M: Yes，master，Just stay here。（边说边画圈）。Goodbye sir.（M离开后，T等就在圈内又念起三字经，不一会打起瞌睡来，P更是鼾声震天。）（J见M走了，便又来打T的主意。她走了两步，踩到了M画的圈。） J: Ouch。

（J知道M的厉害，不敢轻举妄动。但T近在眼前，她实在不甘心放弃。她想了想，忽地计上心头，变出一盒KFC。 J: Come, come Come。。。

（T等仿佛着了魔似的，梦游般循着KFC的香气向圈子外走。J终于如愿地把他们引出来了。就在J的手向T伸去的时候，M赶回来了，再次将J当场抓获。） M: You again! J: You 。you.How nasty you are! M: Now you cannot run! (T 刚刚清醒，看到厮杀场面，想到自己又一次有惊无险，感叹；monkey is really great。不仅又唱起了Only You。M不堪忍受此歌声，抓着J的手也放松了。J乘机溜走了。) （T唱罢，众人终于松了口气。P忽然发现M正望着J远去的方向发愣，伸手在M的眼前晃了晃，M竟然没有反应。）

P: ( 调侃地 ) Ah, you like that beautiful girl.(M 回过神来，发现自己的失态，给了P一拳。) T: Monkey, I know that woman is nice, but you can’t love her.loving girls needs time and money.you don’t have much time and much money.M: I won’t.T: That’s fine.Everybody ,are you reday? （列队齐声）：Yes sir。 (音乐响起——《Nobody》) （转身跳起了nobody）

推荐第9篇：简短搞笑周末英文祝福语（推荐）

导语：快乐陪周一，幸运伴周二，轻松有周三，温馨携周四，愉悦同周五，休闲找周六，潇洒属周日;祝愿你一周舒心，周末愉快!以下是小编整理简短搞笑周末祝福语的资料，欢迎阅读参考。

1Greetings: good weekend, and may the cool summer breeze blow away your troubles, bringing a whole week of good luck.

2.Miing is warm, miing is happine, the destiny is the destiny, the part is artificial, the bosom friend is tacit understanding, the bosom friend is deep friendship, the friend is concerned.Have a good weekend.

3.Happy Sunday.Accept my wishes for a week, on Monday, have a optimistic attitude, on Tuesday was very vigour, have the determination to the avalanche on Wednesday, Thursday, with the idea of respect hillock profeional, Friday by perseverance, have relaxed weekend.

4.God created the week, a spell for you, let you have smoothly on Monday, Tuesday is amiable, Wednesday have peace, surprise on Thursday, Friday, have a dream, have a good luck on Saturday, Sunday there are beautiful!

On the weekends, you can have a little rest after a busy week.May this afternoon warm sun accompany you through a relaxing and 5enjoyable weekend!

6.May you have a good mood every day of the year 365 days! Always safe and sound! Would like to see you smile every day when I put the absolute being light brush under the three light god asked: what do you want to wish I say: please take care of people are watching the news, let him a lifetime of happine, joy and bleing him when disappointed and frustrated, have a nice weekend!

7The hardship of life is a test for you.The busyne of life is to make you feel fulfilled.The trouble of life is to let you cherish the good; The bad news about life is to let you know the importance of the weekend.Have a happy weekend!

8The years have taken away the time, but deepened the friendship; Distance prevents contact, but adds care; On this beautiful weekend I sincerely wish you health and happine forever!

9If life is a river, may you be a clinging boat.If life is a boat, may you be a sailor in rain or shine.Live a happy life in your own hands! Little encouragement, and have a great weekend.

10The weekend arrived, warm wishes.Happine is not invited, it is not too late.Peace is like a shadow, around and around.Joy is eential, have a good laugh, and have a good weekend.

11Don\'t be too busy and cold and gentle, you will not be able to make money because you are too busy.It is not the whole infinite scenery of life, but you will stop in your heart and enjoy the bleings of life.Weekend, don\'t forget - take a break!

12Open the window of your heart and let the warm sunshine come in; Open the door of the mind, let the breath of happine come in.Listening to soothing music, recovering tired limbs; Open the good times and enjoy the happy future.The bright sunshine outside the window is my deep love for you!

13May my bleing, like a ray of sunshine, brighten your happy and peaceful life.

14On the weekends, you can have a little rest after a busy week.May this afternoon warm sun accompany you through a relaxing weekend!

15.Dear, you go out with friends at the moment, or stay up late watching movies, your most intimate I remind you: the occasional relaxation is no problem, but don\'t often, routine, and good health! Have a good weekend!

16Every second you want, your heart beats faster, but don\'t mi you...Oh my god, can I do that? Always want to be with you, gently hold you in the arms, quietly enjoy the warmth of two people together.Have a good weekend!

17.Watch a dream flower, taste a delicious fermented black beans, listen to a young story, feel the other people\'s diary, report once, pour a little water, expre a feeling, say a good.Send a meage: happy weekend!

18The day is running like a runaway.Adjust sleep to maintain spirit, relax body and mind to forget work; Accompany the family to do the housework, some friends talk a lot; I wish my best colleague a happy weekend.

19Life is a choice! Before you choose, you cannot hang from a tree; After choosing, you can always hang on this tree.Eventually you will find that the tree is dead and you live! So be good at choice and stick to it.

20.Eat more melons during the hot summer day, and fill the water with water to reduce blood preure.Shengjinzhi to stop thirst to eat watermelon, in addition to the heat to eat the wax gourd, heat and fire to eat towel gourd, detoxification to eat bitter gourd.Three meals a day, healthy life and laughing!

21It\'s also an easy weekend, and I\'m in a good mood to sing.Walk around and see who is happier than you.Fun is a lot of fun.Try your hand at sports and sweat.The weekend restore ego, I wish you happy and carefree!

22The breeze can not penetrate the branches of miing, deep in the mountains, but there is my deep bleing.

23It is a beautiful weekend, friends, busy work, stop and hurry! Let the happine stay in the body, let the beautiful surround! This beautiful weekend, let\'s have a good time!

24Have a good mood, such as have a sincere bleing.Wish you health, wish you happy, I wish I thousands of bleings to accompany you forever.

25.On the weekend, I would like to ask you a good question.Good luck in the lottery.Play the game to win the game; Long bills on the gold wall!

26The wind and rain people are always under preure = work is not bad! Often go to shopping = have money to spend! It is worth a lot to sigh.Often dating = not very old! Often told = great potential! Often receive information = someone to worry about! Have a great weekend!

27Weekend number one: good luck, get a big bowl; Auspicious, the extension of three zhangs breadth; The party lasted all night; Happine, spread red carpet; Be happy, and light up; Bleing, receive immediately turn.Wish you a happy weekend and a lot of good luck! Happy weekend.

28Friendship is a painting that never fades.Friendship is the flower that never fades, for thousands of years, in the heart open; May the flowers of our friendship be always open, the bright future always in, the cooperation always happy!

29.One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, five days to the holiday, free to enjoy the weekend, SMS bleing more comfortable! Have a good weekend!

30.Don\'t let the coffee to remind you are tired, don\'t let drug warned you already tired, don\'t let time to tell you already not anchored to sleep for a long time, friends, work positive, more positive health, weekend, relax.

31A bright smile, a faint spring breeze, a cordial greeting, a heartfelt bleing, all in this warm day, come to your side.

32If you\'re tired, take a break and let the weekend come with you.If you are bored, have a chat and ask your friend to come with you.If you are happy, smile and let your happine be with you.If you are happy, say, I would like to share your happine.

33Your concern makes me no longer lonely.Wishing you peace and happine.

34On Monday, I don\'t think of it.On Tuesday, the bus was too crowded.On Wednesday, the preure is on you; On Thursday, be late for registration; On Friday, take a deep breath.Over the weekend, the above requests are all ignored, only happy with you.

35Happy weekend everywhere, happy road easy to go.Trouble sees you go around, exhaustion sees you turn around, happine strides toward you, happine to you stride.I wish you a happy and happy weekend and always in happine!

36Life is dull, like the blue lake in the blue sky.Life can be poetry, and it is a song in the pentium.Just treat it with your heart, every day is happy.Have a good weekend!

37.If one day you feel tired, as long as a turn around my bleing on your side, no matter how far away no matter how many years, this bleing into the blue star, in the morning, the flash in the sunset, flash every inch of space in your life!

38If every bleing needs a reason, then my reason is, may you be happy.If every weekend, can only send a happine, then I send, always is you.Happy weekend!

39Let the stars send my bleing, let the light rain send the cool breeze, let the good luck and the beautiful forever follow your life, let the text meage time and again serve me forever ble, wish a happy weekend!

40I\'d like to call you, always in a hurry.The care is actually bigger than the sky, so send you two flowers: one is to have money to spend, the other is to spend freely.Have a good weekend!

41Life is busy, life challenges are perfect, love is smooth, career is succe, and lo is life, wish you all the best on the weekend!

42Time paes lightly, and then on the weekend again, come to the air filled with ease, let the mind relax, give yourself a happy holiday, and have a good weekend.

43.Send you ten heart: in the morning light, go out working, be careful on the road, he was patient, make friends sincerely, treats people sincerely, have confidence in yourself, for lover, has the compaion, to family care, the heaviest if happy! Happy weekend!

44Work hard and work hard; Take happine as your life and take it seriously; To be happy as a dream, to be persistent; Ble you and keep your peace.Take a long weekend and smile.Happy weekend

45.Send a beautiful good mood for the weekend, send a care make you proud, send you a youth not old, send a dream let you implement, send a friendship does not need to return, and then send you to be safe and reliable! Have a great weekend!

46Another beautiful weekend, friends, let go of busy work, stop and hurry! Let the happine stay in the body, let the beautiful surround! This beautiful weekend, let\'s have a good time!

47The weekend has come, \"auspicious\" is reflected in the sky, \"happine\" stays in the heart;\" Good luck leads the way, happine follows.The little song \"needs to be remembered, and the\" health \"is to be fastened; The \"good news\" is in front of us.Have a good weekend!

48The weekend is memorable, and Monday is boring.For the weekend, I would like to have a good day with you.On Monday, I hope we\'ll never see each other again.It is difficult to see each other on the weekend, and on Monday, the east wind is powerle.Hope for the weekend.

49The vast sea of people, gentlene is love your navigation; The warmth of the cold night just wants to hug you; The long life, hand in hand with you appreciate the good; Heaven and earth, love you till the end of time; This world only you are my heart to rely on!

50.Send you a nice quiet weekend, the sun is shining, may your life love soft wind drizzle, happy permanent resident, prosperous, joy and inspiration of investment, family longevity and health, have a nice weekend!

推荐第10篇：搞笑的英文句子或短语

搞笑的英文句子或短语

1、Actions speak louder than words.（行动比语言更响亮。）

2、Better late than never.（迟做总比不做好；晚来总比不来好。）

3、One today is worth two tomorrows.（一个今天胜似两个明天。）

4、“Hard work never killed anybody.” But why take the risk “”努力工作不会导致死亡！“不过我不会用自己去证明。

5、Before Liang Zhuge coming out, he didnt have experience in leading the army! why i should have experience when look for a job 诸葛亮出山前，也没带过兵！凭啥我就要工作经验

6、The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来。

7、One should love animals.They are so tasty.每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

8、Save water.Shower with your girlfriend.要节约用水，尽量和女友一起洗澡。

9、From small beginning come great things.（伟大始于渺小。）

10、There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇1律的在每个上午都醒来。

11、Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.（无热情成就不了伟业。）

12、Behind every succeful man, there is a woman.And behind every unsucceful man, there are two.每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个。

13、Constant dropping wears the stone.（滴水穿石。）

14、Truth never fears investigation.（事实从来不怕调查。）

15、It\'s never too late to mend.（过而能改，善莫大焉；亡羊补牢，犹未晚也。）

16、Misfortunes never come alone/single.（祸不单行。）

17、Love the neighbor.But don\'t get caught.要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。

18、If a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well.（如果事情值得做，就值得做好。）

19、If you saw the dark in front of you, dont be afriad, that\'s because sunshine is at your back.如果你看到面前的阴影，别怕，那是因为你的背后有阳光……

第11篇：搞笑英文话剧剧本(三打白骨精)

搞笑英文话剧剧本

Three Times’ Beating Monster

人物：T唐僧 S：孙悟空 E：猪八戒 J：沙僧

B：白骨精 B1：B变成的村姑 B2：B变成的太婆

B3：B变化成的老头 N：哪吒

T: Emitofo,do you know where we are now? S: Bajie,map! E: (摸出，递给S)

S: Look,master (凑近T)………（T、S一齐转向E）

T: Bajie!How Many times I have told you, nof to bring these pictures of beautiful girls with you!

E: Oh,master!Forgive me(伸手拿回)

T: (缩手)I’ll keep it for you until we reach the west E: But……

T: Emitofo,nothing is lust,lust is nothing! Map?

E: (递)Here.Em…… we have arrived in White Tiger Mountain! Ah I can’t walk on any more!(坐)My stomach doesn’t allow So. S: Fat Pig!

E: Monkey,if you dare to say these two words once again,I will ,

I will……….

S: You will what(凶相)?

E: (软禁)I will help you catch fleas(跳蚤). S: Hm!

T:（轻咳）Wukong,factually,I am a bit hungry Could you go to get me some food?

E: You see ,master is hungry,too!

T: Baijie!Don’t forget who ate my last meal!

J: But master,if a monster comes while brother monkeg is away….. T: Em…….It is a problem.Wukong,do you have any idea? S: No problem!(安装)（B已躲在一旁偷看）

E: This is…..?

S: Electric net!I have learnt the energy of electricity from master’s books.So I made this.No monster can approach you if you stay in it! T: Em……Wukong, you are becoming more and more scientific! Emitofo, knowledge is power! S: Bye!(走)

T: Let’s play cards!(三人开始打牌)音乐《斗地主》

B: Hm!Hm!Electric net?You are too childish.(变成B1) B1: (接近三人，望着)Can I join you?

T: I’m sorry,lady.We are playing Fighting Against Landlord and three people are enough.

B1: (在一旁观看)Oh,Chance! Bomb! T: Bomb?(打出) B1: Double King!

T: Oh….I win! Em……,Lady,you are a master-hand.Come in and teachme!(准备开电网门)

S: (回来，看见B1)Oh,monster!(上前就打) B1: （倒)Ah……

T: (气愤)Wukong! Look what have done! She is my teacher! S: She is a monster! T: Nonsense!(深呼吸) S: Oh,please don’t……

T:It’s too late!(唱)Once more……you open the door…(泰坦尼克主题曲，走音离谱)

S: Please,Please,oh,no……(痛苦抱头)

T: (呛住，咳)Wukong,I’m disappointed with you!

B: (真身出现)Hm!Sun Wukong, I’ll teach you a leon!(变成太婆) B2:Hello,have you seen my daughter?

T: Daughter?...(连忙挡住地尸体)No,sorry!(陪笑，B2想看后面是什么，T挡)

S: （咬牙切齿）You monster, I’ll beat you into hell!(S追打B2,B2躲至T身后，S打，不想打到T头，T晕，S再打死B2) E&J: Are you Ok, master?(扶T)

J: Look,(伸食指)how many?

T:Two…..(晕乎乎地)Sun Wukong, game over!(变成B3)

B3: (看到B1,B2尸体)Oh….,my daughter, my wife! Who did it?!!(哭喊) S: I’ll kill you, monster!(打)

T: （想阻止，未及）You,you.....(险些晕，E,J扶住 )You have killed three lives!

S: No,they are not human beings!They are created by monster! T: Monster?You are a real monster!Never let me see you,go!! S: (悲，离去)（音乐，营造 “假”悲伤气氛）《人鬼情未了》

E: Master, brother Monkey is.......

T: Scratch! Don\'t mention that guy any more!

B: (出现) Ha,ha,ha!(三尸体B1,B2,B3在B招手后“飘”走) T: （惊）You are......

B: How foolish you are ,Mr Tang!(E,J去阻斗，被击退) B: (抓住T)I\'ll enjoy your meat and blood,ha,ha...... S: (悄悄走到B后，打B,B晕)A thousand years later. T: Wukong?

E: Oh,Brother Monkey! J: Our hero is back!

T: I,I can\'t understand......What happened?

S: Master,your IQ needs increasing! This monster changed its appearance

into three shapes in order to cheat you! T: How,how did you find out? S: (沉默).......Monkey\'s intuition(直觉) N: Excuse me, where is the cniminal?

S; Ah......you are too late ,Nezha!(对T)I\'ve called the police. N: (摇醒B)You are under arrest .(出示证件)You have the right to remain silent If you give up the right, anything you will say can and will be against you in a court of law!(带走B)

T: Wukong(S不理T)I admit my mistake this time(S仍不理)I\'m sorry(小声) S: What? T: I\'m sorry.

S: Em? Louder,please?

T: I......am......sorry.....(S 捂耳)（音乐响）《敢问路在何方》（这个放伴奏）

T: Let\'s go guys!( 歌)

S: You are carrying the luggage, I am leading the horse. E: Say goodbye to the sun, Welcome evening glow.

J: Sleeping on the ground, again we set out set out, again we set out. T.S.E.J: Ah......Ah......Sleeping on the ground again we set out. T: One after the other the seasons go by,and ohe after the other, the year

go on.You wonder where the road is.The road is under your feet. T.S.E.J: You uonder where the road is, the road is under your feet......

第12篇：搞笑英文话剧剧本(三打白骨精)

搞笑英文话剧剧本

Three Times’ Beating Monster

人物：T唐僧 S：孙悟空 E：猪八戒 J：沙僧

B：白骨精 B1：B变成的村姑 B2：B变成的太婆

B3：B变化成的老头 N：哪吒

T: Emitofo,do you know where we are now? S: Bajie,map! E: (摸出，递给S)

S: Look,master (凑近T)………（T、S一齐转向E）

T: Bajie!How Many times I have told you, nof to bring these pictures of beautiful girls with you!

E: Oh,master!Forgive me(伸手拿回)

T: (缩手)I’ll keep it for you until we reach the west E: But……

T: Emitofo,nothing is lust,lust is nothing! Map?

E: (递)Here.Em…… we have arrived in White Tiger Mountain! Ah I can’t walk on any more!(坐)My stomach doesn’t allow So. S: Fat Pig!

E: Monkey,if you dare to say these two words once again,I will ,

I will……….

S: You will what(凶相)?

E: (软禁)I will help you catch fleas(跳蚤). S: Hm!

T:（轻咳）Wukong,factually,I am a bit hungry Could you go to get me some food?

E: You see ,master is hungry,too!

T: Baijie!Don’t forget who ate my last meal!

J: But master,if a monster comes while brother monkeg is away….. T: Em…….It is a problem.Wukong,do you have any idea? S: No problem!(安装)（B已躲在一旁偷看）

E: This is…..?

T: Let’s play cards!(三人开始打牌)音乐《斗地主》

B: Hm!Hm!Electric net?You are too childish.(变成B1) B1: (接近三人，望着)Can I join you?

T: I’m sorry,lady.We are playing Fighting Against Landlord and three people are enough.

B1: (在一旁观看)Oh,Chance! Bomb! T: Bomb?(打出) B1: Double King!

T: Oh….I win! Em……,Lady,you are a master-hand.Come in and teachme!(准备开电网门)

S: (回来，看见B1)Oh,monster!(上前就打) B1: （倒)Ah……

T: (气愤)Wukong! Look what have done! She is my teacher! S: She is a monster! T: Nonsense!(深呼吸) S: Oh,please don’t……

T:It’s too late!(唱)Once more……you open the door…(泰坦尼克主题曲，走音离谱)

S: Please,Please,oh,no……(痛苦抱头)

T: (呛住，咳)Wukong,I’m disappointed with you!

B: (真身出现)Hm!Sun Wukong, I’ll teach you a leon!(变成太婆) B2:Hello,have you seen my daughter?

T: Daughter?...(连忙挡住地尸体)No,sorry!(陪笑，B2想看后面是什么，T挡)

S: （咬牙切齿）You monster, I’ll beat you into hell!(S追打B2,B2躲至T身后，S打，不想打到T头，T晕，S再打死B2) E&J: Are you Ok, master?(扶T)

J: Look,(伸食指)how many?

T:Two…..(晕乎乎地)Sun Wukong, game over!(变成B3)

B3: (看到B1,B2尸体)Oh….,my daughter, my wife! Who did it?!!(哭喊) S: I’ll kill you, monster!(打)

T: （想阻止，未及）You,you.....(险些晕，E,J扶住 )You have killed three lives!

E: Master, brother Monkey is.......

T: Scratch! Don\'t mention that guy any more!

B: (出现) Ha,ha,ha!(三尸体B1,B2,B3在B招手后“飘”走) T: （惊）You are......

B: How foolish you are ,Mr Tang!(E,J去阻斗，被击退) B: (抓住T)I\'ll enjoy your meat and blood,ha,ha...... S: (悄悄走到B后，打B,B晕)A thousand years later. T: Wukong?

E: Oh,Brother Monkey! J: Our hero is back!

T: I,I can\'t understand......What happened?

S: Master,your IQ needs increasing! This monster changed its appearance

into three shapes in order to cheat you! T: How,how did you find out? S: (沉默).......Monkey\'s intuition(直觉) N: Excuse me, where is the cniminal?

T: Wukong(S不理T)I admit my mistake this time(S仍不理)I\'m sorry(小声) S: What? T: I\'m sorry.

S: Em? Louder,please?

T: I......am......sorry.....(S 捂耳)（音乐响）《敢问路在何方》（这个放伴奏）

T: Let\'s go guys!( 歌)

S: You are carrying the luggage, I am leading the horse. E: Say goodbye to the sun, Welcome evening glow.

go on.You wonder where the road is.The road is under your feet. T.S.E.J: You uonder where the road is, the road is under your feet.....

英语话剧剧本The Bus

A Story about Love and Stinky Feet

5-6人英语剧本，公交车上的故事，适合大学生活，关于爱和臭脚的故事。 Female student A:,Female student B,Female student C,Boy A: Wang Chiang-rui Boy B,Old woman, Scene One

(Three female students are chatting on a bus.Because all the seats are taken, they are standing, holding onto some plastic rings hanging down from the bus roof.Two boys are sleeping in their seats.Then the bus arrives at a stop and an old woman gets on.She looks at the seats.Seeing no empty seats, she stands next to a female student and holds onto a plastic ring.)

Old woman: There\'re no empty seats.I gue I\'ll have to stand.

(The female students find the old woman not having a seat.They want to help her find one to sit in.)

Female student A: We should find a seat for her.

Female student B: Right.Those two bad boys did not give their seats to her.(The two boys continue to sleep.) Female student C: We should find a seat for her.Female students A & B: Yes.(Female student A goes to Boy A and taps on his shoulder.) Female Student A: Excuse me, could you give your seat to that old lady? (Boy A stretches and continues to sleep.Female students A and B look at each other.Female student B taps on Boy A\'s shoulder.) Female Student B: Hey! Can you give your seat to that old lady? Boy A: (wakes up) I lined up for twenty hours yesterday to buy A-Mei\'s new album.I\'m very tired.I\'m sorry I can\'t give my seat to the old lady.(continues to sleep) Female student C: What should we do? Female student B: Let\'s ask the other boy.Boy B: (gets up suddenly) Ah! All: (startled)Ah! Female student B: What happened? Female student C: Why did you scream? Boy B: I had a nightmare.It was terrible.Female student B: Excuse me, can you give your seat to that old lady? (Boy B falls asleep.) Female student A: Hello! Is it OK for you to make room for that old lady? Boy B: Let me sleep, please.I read an English novel all night last night and didn\'t get any sleep.Can you let me sleep for a while? Female student A: Well, we\'ve tried.

Female student B: The young man is really brash.

Old woman: Thank you, young ladies! I\'m OK! Don\'t think I\'m an old woman.I am healthy.(makes a few kicks like a young man)

Female student C: Maybe we worry too much.The old lady\'s very healthy.(The bus driver hits the brake suddenly and the old woman falls over.It makes Boy A wake up.)

Boy A: Oh! Are you OK? Old woman: Oh! Oh! My waist!

Boy A: You can take my seat.(helps the old woman to the seat) Female student C: Hmm.He just got his conscience.

Female student A: Yeah! I was just about to say they got no manners.Female student B: Yeah.I thought he was a cold-blooded animal.

Boy A: Hey! Watch your own manners.I\'ve given her my seat.I\'m really very tired.(At this time Boy B is embarraed.He dares not continue to sleep.) Old woman: Thank you, young man.I\'m old and usele.

Boy B: Don\'t say that.If I\'d given you my seat earlier, the accident wouldn\'t have happened.

(The bus driver hits the brake suddenly again.Boy A falls down.) Scene Two

(The Old woman and Boy B sit in the seats.Boy A is standing behind the three girls and drowsing.The three girls continue to chat.Boy A is drowsing carelely and bumps into Female student A\'s body.)

Female student A: Oh! Who touched me? (turns her head around and sees Boy A standing behind her) It\'s you, right?

Boy A: What? Female student B: Why? You did it intentionally, didn\'t you? Boy A: Wait.I didn\'t do anything.Female student C: You touched her intentionally, right? Boy A: Hey, I\'m not that kind of person.(looks at Boy B) Hey… Is it you? Boy B: (confused and shakes his head) Not me.I was sleeping.(The bus driver hits the brake suddenly again.Boy A bumps into Female student A again.) Female student A: (angry) Still saying it wasn\'t you? You pig! Boy A: I didn\'t mean it.Old woman: Nowadays boys are not the same as those in the past.Boys in the past were all very polite.Now boys are reckle.Female student C: Now what do you have to say? Apologize to her.Hurry! Boy A: Alright! Alright! (to female student A) I\'m sorry.(Female student A ignores him and continues to chat with the other two girls.) Boy A: It\'s not my day today.Boy B: Gentlemen don\'t fight with women.And she\'s no nice woman.Old woman: Nowadays girls don\'t have good temper.Time really changed.Boy B: Older people know more than us.Old woman: When I was a young student, I got love letters from many men every day.For the sake of manners, I went out with different men every day.(Boys A and B don\'t know what to say.Suddenly the bus driver hits the brake.The old woman bumps into Female student C\'s hips.) Female student C: (surprised) You.....

(The old woman looks at Female student C and says nothing.) Old woman: You have nice hips.

Female student B: I can\'t believe the old woman is capable of sexual harament.Female student C: Maybe nowadays old people are not the same as those in the past.

Female student A: Maybe after losing her husband, she feels lonely.Female student B: Ah! Here we are.Let\'s get off.

Female student C: We\'d better stay away from those strange people.(Female students get off the bus.)

Boy B: Who are those strange people? They\'re real strange.(helps the old woman up) Are you O.K.? Those young girls have no sympathy.

Old woman: (feels Boy B\'s hand) You also have a pair of very fine hands.Boy B: (startled) What?

Boy A: This old woman is also very strange.Boy B: Let\'s go!

Old woman: Don\'t be shy, young man.I have held such kind of hand for a long time.

(Boy B frees himself from the old woman\'s hand and gets off.) Old woman: (looks at Boy A) You\'re nice, too.Boy A: Hmm, good-bye.(gets off)

第13篇：双语：超搞笑的英文短信

双语：超搞笑的英文短信发表于2010年07月12日

(1)Not every flower symbolize for love, but rose can do it; not every tree can stand thirst, but alamo can do it, not every pig can read short meage, but you can do it.Congratulations! 不是每一朵花都能代表爱情，但是玫瑰做到了；不是每一种树都能耐住干渴，但是白杨做到了；不是每一头猪都能看短消息，但是你做到了。恭喜你！

(2)Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now...Sorry I will leave, I can\'t find a brain.你好，我是病毒！并且现在正逐渐进入你的大脑„„对不起，我要走了，因为我根本找不到你的大脑！

(3)This msg.will refresh your brain in 5...4...3...2...1...>Error: No Brain Detected!!!

seconds.这条消息将会让你的头脑清醒5秒。5„4„3„2„1„ >错误提示：未侦测到大脑！！！

(4)Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart.You are bleed with both! FLATTERED? Don\'t Be! It was sent to me.I just wanted you to read it.漂亮的脸蛋能吸引眼球但是好的人品能吸引人心。你很幸运的同时拥有这两方面！被恭维了？少来了！这个短消息是送给我的。我只不过想让你看看罢了。

(5)Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up today? 1) Pray-so that u may live...2)Take a bath-so that others may live too! 早上好„„你今早醒来的时候有没有做这两件最重要的事呢？ 1）祈祷- 好让你可以活下去„„2）洗澡-好让别人也可以活下去！

(6)Don\'t be mad, don\'t be blue, Einstein was ugly too! 不要激动，不要忧郁，爱因斯坦长相也难看！

(7)You may fall from mountain, you may fall from tree, but the best way to fall, is fall to my love.你可能会从山上掉下来，也可能会从树上掉下来，但是，最好的方式，是你会爱上我。

(8)1 day u\'ll B surprised 2C ME beside U.U & Me laughing, U&Me crying, U & Me dreaming, U & Me holding on, U & Me...just U & Me sitting in a MENTAL & ME CHECKING U.一天你会很惊讶的发现我出现在你身边。你我一起欢笑，一起哭泣，一起梦想，依偎在一起，一起„„只不过是你我一起坐在精神病院里并且我（医生）给你（精神病人）做检查。

(9)Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish.I asked 4 world peace.That\'s impoible, he said.有一次上帝来到我面前答应了我一个愿望。我说我要世界和平。“那是不可能的”他说。 Then I asked him 2 give u brains.He said, \"Let me try world peace\".然后我请让你变聪明。他说：“你还是让我试试让世界和平吧。”

(10)Every morning I pray 2 God that everybody should get a friend like u,...每天早晨我都向上帝祷告：希望每个人都能够拥有像你这样的朋友„„ Why should I be the only to suffer...?? 为什么只有我要忍受有你这样的朋友？

(11)If u hide, I\'ll seek 4 u.If u r lost, I\'ll search 4 you.If u\'ll leave, I\'ll wait 4 u.If days take u away 4m me, I\'ll fight 4 u.如果你躲起来，我会去找你。如果你不见了，我会寻觅你。如果你离开了，我会等你。如果日子会把你带走，我会为你战斗。 But, if u stop sending msgs, I\'ll kill you.但是，如果你停止发短信息，我会宰了你。 (12)A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z oops! i mi \"U\" A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z 哎呀！我居然丢了“U” 注：U代表 “You”你。mi除有“遗漏”的意思，还有“思念”之意。这里i mi \"U\"，实为\"I mi you.\" 我想你。

(13)Can u pronounce good English? Read along: woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, poof, woof, woof, hoof, loof, roof, shoof, Test results: U r a good dog.Now stop barking.你的英语发音很标准？读下去：woof, roof, loof, shoof, shoof, woof, loof, poof, woof, woof, hoof, loof, roof, shoof, 测试结果：你是一条好狗。现在可以停下别叫了。

(14)If you are alone, I\'ll be your shadow.If you want to cry, I\'ll be your shoulder.If you want a hug, I\'ll be your pillow.If you need to be happy, I\'ll be your smile.If you need money...wait for your salary.如果你感到孤独，我做你的影子。如果你想哭泣，我做你的肩膀。如果你想要拥抱，我做你的枕头。如果你想要快乐，我做你的微笑。如果你想要钱„„等着发工资

第14篇：最搞笑的英文滑稽表演剧本

The bank

Scene: The manager’s office in a bank

Characters: Mi D.Posit, the bank manager

Monica, Mi Posit’s secretary

Mr.Moore, a customer

A bank robber

Mi Posit is sitting at her desk.The robber comes in suddenly

Robber: Nobody move!

Posit: Of course, I am profeional.When I am working, I never move around.

Robber: Read this.

Posit: “Three tomatoes, four eggs and two cans of Coca-Cola.” You can get out, turn right, there is a Wal-mart.You will get what you want there.

Robber: Oh, thanks.

(The robber turns back and goes out.)

Monica brings Mr.Moore in.

Monica: Mr.Moore.

Mi Posit: Good morning, Mr.Moore.

Mr.Moore: Good morning.

Mi Posit: Thank you, Monica.

Monica leaves the office.

Mi Posit: Do sit down, Mr.Moore.

Mr.Moore: Thank you.

He sits down.

Mi Posit: Now, Mr.Moore, the situation is like this.You account is overdrawn.￥10,000 overdrawn.

Mr.Moore: Oh, good.

He takes out his credit cards and shows them to the manager.

Mi Posit: Mr.Moore, Mr.Moore, if you use your credit cards, you’ll be overdrawn more, Mr.Moore.

The robber comes back again with a bag of grocery at hand.

Robber: Nobody move!

Mi Posit: Can I help you?

Robber: That’s better.You-

Mr.Moore: Me?

Robber: Yes.Read this.

He gives Mr.Moore a note.

Mr.Moore: Oh.OK.Er… (Reading) “Three tomatoes, four eggs…”

Robber: No, no, no.The other side this time.

Mr.Moore: Oh, sorry.Er…(Reading) “Give me all your…honey, or I’ll ki you.”

Robber: Not ki-kill!

Mr.Moore: Oh.Er…Mi Posit.I think this is for you.

He gives the note to Mi Posit.

Mi Posit: (Reading) “Give me all your money, or I’ll kill you.” I see.Would you sit down for a moment?

Robber: Sit down?

Mi Posit: Yes.I am very busy at the moment.Please sit over there.

Robber: But-

Mi Posit: I’ll be with you in a moment.

The robber sits down.

Mi Posit: Now, Mr.Moore.You spend twice as much as you earn.

Mr.Moore: But I earn ￥5000 a month.

Robber: Excuse me!

Mi Posit: Yes!

Robber: I make ￥50,000 a month.

Mi Posit: Really? Would you like to sit here?

Robber: Thank you.

Mi Posit: Mr.Moore, would you sit over there for a moment.

The robber and Mr.Moore change places.

Mi Posit: Tell me… where do you keep this money?

Robber: Here, in this bag.

He puts a large bag full of money on the desk.

Mi Posit: Oh, oh, yes.Very nice.Um…would you like to open an account, Mr…?

Robber: Robber.

Mi Posit: Well, just excuse me one moment, Mr.Robber.I’ll ask Monica to get the neceary papers.

Robber: Certainly.

Mi Posit leaves the office.

Mr.Moore: Excuse me…

Robber: Yes?

Mr.Moore: You make ￥50,000 a month.

Robber: Yes.

Mr.Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: I rob banks.

Mr.Moore: Oh, I see.You rob banks and steal the money.

Robber: Yes.

Mr.Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: It’s easy.First, you need a mask.

Mr.Moore: Oh, nice, I have got one.

Robber: Well, then you take a gun-

Mr.Moore: I haven’t got a gun.

Robber: Oh…well, borrow mine.

Mr.Moore: Thank you very much.

Robber: You take a gun and you take a note.

Mr.Moore: Oh, yes, the note.That’s very good.I like that.(Reading) “Three tomatoes, four eggs-”

Robber: The other side!

Mr.Moore: Oh yes.(Reading) “Give me all you honey, or I’ll ki you!”

Robber: “Money” and “kill”!

Mr.Moore: Oh, yes.

Robber: You wear a mask, take the note, go into the bank, and put the note on the bank manager’s desk.

Mr.Moore: Is that all?

Robber: Yes.

Mr.Moore: I see.

Monica comes back with papers.

Monica: Ah, yes.Now, Mr.Robber-

Mr.Moore: Give me all your honey…money, or I’ll ki…kill you.

Monica: (Scared) Money, Mr.Moore? Certainly.Take this bag.

She gives Mr.Moore the robber’s bag.

Mr.Moore: Oh, thank you.That was easy.

Robber: Yes, but-

Monica: Mr.Moore, your account is still ￥10,000 overdrawn.

Mr.Moore: Oh, yes.Well…um…Here you are.

He gives here ￥10,000 from the robber’s bag.

Mr.Moore: ￥1000, ￥2000, ￥3000, ￥4000-

Robber: But…but…

Monica: Thank you.Mr.Moore.

Mr.Moore: Goodbye.

Mr.Moore leaves.

Mi Posit: Now, Mr.Robber, here is your account…

Robber: But…But…But…

Monica: Mr.Robber, Mr.VIP, Here is my telephone number, My name is Monica…

Robber: Just a minute! I think something’s gone wrong.Hey, you! Come back! Bring back my money-and my gun! Come back!

He runs after Mr.Moore.

Monica: Hey, don’t forget to call me.

第15篇：亲历：我的搞笑英文面试经历

亲历：我的搞笑英文面试经历

我的，很幸运也很不幸的是位美丽年轻的小姐，她带着我到一个小房间中，在一个有透明圆型玻璃桌面的桌子面试。

其实我最讨厌这样了，因为面试是神圣的，我根本不想去看她桌面下的美腿，她甜笑容，充满气质的谈吐，脸上还抹了些微的小亮片妆，真的是要命。

她笑着问我的学历、工作经验、未来规划与抱负，我都行云流水的应答自如，突然间她话题一转，说道：可以请你用英文介绍一下吗？

我一听愣了三秒钟很理直气壮的

回她道：“抱歉，我英文很次！”

她听了笑笑说道：“没关系，你试着说看看！”睫毛上的小亮片闪闪动人，我想自古英雄就难过美人关，反正都来了，也就豁出去吧！

于是我鼓起勇气将自己生平所学会的英文全都用上，我想了想开口说道

“my name is old big wang.”

“I bomb at 1977 year.”

※born我念成了bomb反正很像

“my toyear is 24 year.”

※事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear.

“my home have a papa and a mama and a didi.”

※其实我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太顺了，所以念成didi and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us.“

※事后才知表姐表妹都错了，watch是表没错，但是watch是指手表，可是我发誓读书时英文没教过表姐妹的

英文。

“my interest is sing song、see movie、**** do computer and push horse road.”

※我念到操作电脑时，她咦的一声，这小姐会不会听不懂。后来我才知道英文骂人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。

“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move game and beat word.”

“In the future I hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy.”

“thank you and over.”那小姐听我自我介绍完，整整愣了一分钟，才回过神来，说了声抱歉后说了没几句就说可以了，她们会尽快通知我，拜别了那小姐后，我洋洋得意，因为我从来不知道我英文能力这么强，都怪我以前太腼腆，不敢开口说，早知道就去考托福去外国

念书，所以说啊，很多事还是要敢不然可是会失去很多机会的呢！再说了，我们的祖国已经加入WTo了，不学点英语怎么好呢？

第16篇：公益广告出现“神翻译”中文励志英文搞笑

体验式英语教育先锋美联英语

公益广告出现“神翻译”中文励志英文搞笑

●圆我梦想 round my dream

●荡起梦想 dangqi dream

●小心落水 to the water

●水深危险 careful water depth

●注意安全 safety-conscious

金陵晚报记者张彪熊伟玲

昨天，有网友在网上发帖称，在中山南路沿线，一处墙壁上的公益广告出现“神翻译”。其中，“圆我梦想”被翻译成了“round my dream”，而“荡起梦想”的翻译竟然直接使用“中式英语”，翻译成“dangqi dream”。不少市民发现后想要整改，但在广告牌上却找不到相关单位信息。

公益广告牌：

中文励志英文搞笑

昨天中午，记者来到现场看到，这里确实有一排广告牌，这些广告牌足足有三米多高，并且向北延续了一百多米，广告牌的顶端用射灯照着，这些广告牌有的是楼盘广告，但大多还是励志的公益广告，每一幅公益广告都写着一句励志的话，比如“一分勤劳，一分收获”、“辛勤劳动，圆我梦想”、“荡起梦想，我有力量”，旁边配有中国传统的图画。整体看上去高端大气上档次。

不过，要是再看每句话配的英文翻译，却让路人哭笑不得，其中，“圆我梦想”被翻译成了“round my dream”，而“荡起梦想”的翻译竟然直接使用汉语拼音，翻译成“dangqi dream”。

无所属单位

市民心急改城市“招牌”

据附近一处修自行车的摊主朱先生说，这些公益广告牌是在年前腊月二十四建起来的，现在每天晚上，这些广告牌上面的射灯就会齐刷刷的亮起来，把整个广告牌照得很惹眼，至于是哪个部门，朱先生称并不清楚。

记者在现场看到，这处公益广告牌上并没有标明所属单位，这处公益广告牌的后面是一处工

体验式英语教育先锋美联英语

地，因为过年，这处工地处于停工状态。现在又是春节放假，所以无法直接找到责任单位。

不过还是有不少市民表示，南京是一个越来越国际化的城市，外国友人众多，这样的翻译水平确实有损南京城市的形象。市民陈先生看到上面的英文，觉得忍俊不禁，他说：“不懂英文的人只看中文也就算了，要是让懂英语的人，或者是外国友人看到了，还不笑掉大牙？”他希望有关单位请专业人士进行翻译，并请尽快对这些广告牌进行更新。

“这可能是网站翻译软件直接翻译造成的”，一南京口译业内人士告诉记者。他给出一份修改后的翻译，以供参考。

一份勤劳一分收获 No pains, no gains；辛勤换来五谷丰登 Work hard before harvest；中国梦我的梦 Chinese dream, my dream；荡起梦想，我有力量 fly my dreams, get the strengths；中国精神，中国形象，中国文化，中国表达 Chinese spirit, Chinese image, Chinese culture, Chinese expreion；辛勤劳动，圆我梦想 Work hard to realize my dream。

快来围观神翻译！

第17篇：给老师的搞笑圣诞节英文祝福语短信

Thank you for not as signing homework this holiday season.

感谢您没有留假期作业。

I look forward to your cla after the new year.

我期待着新年过后，再上您课。

Wishing you and your family a very merry Christmas.

祝福您及全家节日快乐。

A merry Christmas from all of your students.

祝您节日快乐，您全体学生敬上。

Much joy to you in the upcoming year.

愿您在新一年充满快乐

Thank you for all you have done for us.

感谢您为我们所做一切。

We\'ll be here after the New Year.

新年过后，我们会再回来。

We won\'t forget you this holiday season.

假期里，我们不会忘记您。

Thank you for your hard work and patience on this holiday season.

值此佳节，谨对您辛勤栽培表示感谢。

第18篇：搞笑英文小品剧本唐僧收孙悟空（推荐）

唐僧收孙悟空预计7分钟

演员：旁白，唐僧，孙悟空，观音

旁白：500years ago,Sun wukong made havoc in heaven,so he was prisoned under the wuzhi moutain by Rulai.500years paed with a “duang”„„

观音：（从台下飘上来）wu wu wu wu wu ,kong kong kong kong kong„„

孙悟空：（蹲着，代表被压在山下。不耐烦）Who is it？Guanyin? You again?Over the 500 years,you come here once a week,do you know you are very boring? 观音：See, you are wrong,I’ve got some good new’s for you 孙悟空：If the new’s isn’t about “Set me free”,just shut up.I’m very busy now,The world l foundation invited me to become theirs image speaker 观音：（疑惑）Image speaker？

孙悟空：（得意）Yeah，Jackie Chen has made a fortune by being the image speaker of Bawang shampoo,so I just want to earn some pocket money.观音：（疑惑）But now you are under the moutain 孙悟空：（得意）Moutain? If it were not for Rulai’s face,I would have transformed into a fly and run aw-ay 观音：（无语）e„„

孙悟空：（无奈）But„„it is comfortable here and everything here is wonderful,the most important is the housing is free,（奸笑）besides, sister Guanyin alw-ays come to visit me.In fact, I work at day time, and sleep here at night~ 观音：But why you are not at work today? 孙悟空:ha? Today is weekend.观音：Soga（日语）

孙悟空：So,what thing do you want to tell me today? 观音：（用唱戏的口音）Just listen to me~~~~ 旁白：With her words ,she take out a little book(表示“小本本”)from her pocket.观音：Today Baiyun market 2 yuan for 1 pound cabbage 3 cents cheper than Tianhe market,potato sell by pile,(高兴)hei hei，4yuan for 1 pile.NO.16 booth sells water-injectsd meat,and I found it 孙悟空（无语）„„ 观音：And fish„„

孙悟空：（打断观音）Eh„„In fact ,I am interested in shopping.观音：（尴尬）Eh„„I’m sorry,this is the wrong page.This is the book I keep account for Rulai 孙悟空：（叹气）

观音：（翻书）Here is the thing I want to tell you.(正式的语气)Sun wukong, male,because he made trouble in heaven 500 years ago,so he was prisoned under the wuzhi moutain.Now,after the hand votes of 大妈 in 天竺街道管理委员会, we decided to let him become a apprentice for Tangseng,a monk come from Tang Cha’s.If he doesn’t obey the order,(非常狠的语气)we will plug his eyes, splashed he with boiling water, step on his small tail.(温柔正式的语气)Of course,the agreement should be agreed by both sides,and in line with voluntary.孙悟空：（无语）„„（气愤）Voluntary？Why not let me plug his eyes first? 观音：（很拽的语气）You should be grateful，at least, you could join in our organization and„„ 孙悟空：And what? 观音：(靠近孙悟空，很小声)Xu„„ 孙悟空：（疑惑，模仿观音,很大声）Xu!Xu! 观音：（用拳头打孙悟空,小声）Shut up!Here is the monk,I’ll go now.（飘走）孙悟空：ha?this is the monk? 唐僧：（出场，用济公的调子唱）Broken shoes,broken hat,broken clothes,you laugh at me,he laugh at me,everybody laugh me„„(说话)Accroding to my GPS,here should be the place Wukong is here.孙悟空：（挥手叫）Master! 唐僧：（高兴,但是没看到孙悟空）Hellow!!（往前走）Where are you??(踩到孙悟空的手) 孙悟空：（大叫）Ah!! You steeped on my hand ! 唐僧：（不好意思）O„„si mi ma sai(日语)，hellow Mr turtle.孙悟空：（惊讶）Turtle！？

唐僧：Yeah,but I have never seen a turtl with shell as big as moutain,with a monkey’s face.孙悟空：（无语）Guanyin is right„„yours IQ is so low that you can’t go to Tianzhu by youself„„ 唐僧：（小惊讶）You known Guanyin too,she must be the most popular guy in this place.And dou you know a monkey named Sun Wukong？

孙悟空：（送上名片）This is my name card.唐僧：（接过，高兴）Yours name is Su Wukong too, What a coincidence,I’m looking for a monkey with same name.孙悟空：Stop!!Use you foot to think and you will know I am the monkey you are looking for!I am prisoned under the moutain! 唐僧：（难以置信）Really？？Are you a monkey,are you thinking that I am a fool?? 孙悟空：Fool？you are a fool?I wonder you are praisng youself or abusing the world fool.How could a fool can be so foolish.唐僧：（惊讶）You really know I am a fool? 孙悟空：（无奈）OK,OK,now，go to the top of the moutain,and remove the seal,and then,I can go with you.唐僧：OK,wait a minute(转圈走到黑板前，黑板上提前贴了封条) 孙悟空：（喊）Do you find it?? 唐僧：Yes,but I don\'t know which is the right one.孙悟空：（疑惑）ha? How many seals are there? 唐僧：There are a lot of seals,like “want to rich,first road”(孙悟空惊讶)，“birth one child only is good”（孙悟空惊讶），“please take care you money when you are eathing”（孙悟空更惊讶），“no photo here,penalty 50 yuan”

孙悟空：（高兴）Yes,the no photo one, remove it! 唐僧：（撕去）OK,I did it! 孙悟空：OK，keep you far away here.唐僧：（走远了一点）孙悟空：Farther! 唐僧：（又走远了些）孙悟空：Much farther.唐僧：Much farther and I will arrive India,and I will not need you!! 孙悟空：OK, I’m coming out!(从地上爬起来) 唐僧：（跑回来，生气）The moutain doesn’t collapse? 孙悟空：I just got out of the moutain from a hole,why should I let the moutain collapse?

唐僧：You got out from a hole? What about the seal? 孙悟空：Seal?ha ha just a form.In fact, the seal is not updated and it is not eective now , After-sale service is really bad.let go! (孙悟空唱西游记主题曲的前奏，唐僧追上去) 旁白：So,Tangsheng and Sun Wukong start there journey, and Sun Wukong didn’t wear clothes.If you want to find out what happen next, please see the next episode

第19篇：搞笑

 如果你得罪了老板，失去的只是一份工作；如果你得罪了客户，失去的不过是一份订单；是的，世上只有一个人可以得罪：你给她脸色看，你冲她发牢骚，你大声顶撞她，甚至当着她的面摔碗，她都不会记恨你，原因很简单，因为她是你的母亲。

短语,老板,母亲因为她是你的母亲04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 有位非常漂亮的女同事，有天起晚了没有时间化妆便急忙冲到公司。结果那天她被记旷工了……吃惊] 笑话,内涵,同事这个笑话好内涵，你懂了没？04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 悟空和唐僧一起上某卫视非诚勿扰,悟空上台,24盏灯全灭。理由:1.没房没车只有一根破棍.2.保镖职业危险.3.动不动打妖精,对女生不温柔.4.坐过牢,曾被压五指山下500年。唐僧上台，哗!灯全亮。理由:1.公务员； 2.皇上兄弟，后台最硬 3.精通梵文等外语 4.长得帅 5.最关键一点：有宝马！

笑话,悟空,唐僧,非诚勿扰悟空和唐僧一起上某卫视非诚勿扰04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 Save your heart for someone who cares.为了某个在乎你的人，请节约你的真心！

短语,真心为了某个在乎你的人，请节约你的真心04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 最新限量版 i pod ！潮爆啦！！

笑话,限量版,ipod最新限量版 i pod04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 有一个人叫真咯嗦，娶了个老婆叫要你管，生了个儿子叫麻烦。有一天麻烦不见了！夫妻俩就去报案。警察问爸爸：请问这位男士你叫啥名字？爸爸说:真咯嗦。警察很生气，然后他又问妈妈叫啥名字。妈妈说:要你管。警察非常生气的说:你们要干什么?夫妻俩说：找麻烦。

笑话,警察,麻烦你们要干什么?04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 一年奔波，尘缘遇了谁；一句珍重，天涯别了谁；一点灵犀，凭栏忆了谁；一种相思，闲愁予了谁；一江明月，豪情酬了谁；一场冬雪，烟波忘了谁；一壶浊酒，相逢醉了谁；一世浮生，轻狂撩了谁；一封短信，才情念了谁；一番思量，谁是谁的谁；一枚围脖，转发回复谁.....段子,尘缘,相逢一年奔波，尘缘遇了谁04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 人与人间的信任，就像是纸片，一旦破损，就不会再回到原来的样子。短语,信任人与人间的信任，就像是纸片04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 爱是一种感觉，跟时间长短没关系。——《不敢说爱你》

短语,感觉爱是一种感觉，跟时间长短没关系04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 师太和贫僧牵手了！！（请用四个字表达此刻感受！）

笑话,师太,贫僧师太和贫僧牵手了04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 这孩子长大了就是一祸害，你同意吗？

笑话,孩子这孩子长大了就是一祸害，你同意吗？04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 有位语文老师为学生朗诵了一首陆游的《卧春》，要求学生听写出来……

笑话,糗事百科,听写糗事百科之听写04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 1.暧昧王:天蝎；2.犹豫不决:处女；3.朝三暮四:双子；4.逆向思维:水瓶；5.真爱无罪:双鱼；6.以史为鉴:摩羯；7.权衡利弊:金牛；8.宁缺毋滥:天秤；9.社会道德:巨蟹；10.惜时如金:白羊；11.无暇顾及:射手；12.目标明确:狮子。你是这样的吗？

短语,星座,恋爱十二星座的恋爱特点04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 白羊：记不清人；金牛：悔未上床；双子：他（她）是青蛙（恐龙）；巨蟹：善哉善哉；狮子：一脚蹬开；处女：倒大霉了；天秤：感觉很好；天蝎：你死我活；射手：有多少次；摩羯：气死我也；水瓶：奶奶个熊；双鱼：还是想他（她）{点开大图更精彩} @乌托邦办公室

笑话,星座,初恋十二星座坐上时光机回忆初恋04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 ★做体操的猫咪你伤不起！~（@精品搞笑）

笑话,体操做体操的猫咪你伤不起04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 哥,你是怎么用眼神杀死敌人的？？(@瞬间乐翻你投稿) 笑话,眼神哥,你是怎么用眼神杀死敌人的？？04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 这歌名起的一个比一个狠！

笑话,歌名这歌名起的一个比一个狠04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢  今天同朋友来到一个地方,是新会、开平、台山三个地方的交界处（经国务院批准的）。因此，实现了2分钟内去新会上个厕所，过开平洗个手，再番来台山吃饭的历史创举。（@ZCHuang）

笑话,平生第一次可以同时出现在三个地方04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 如果给你一次去西天取经的机会，选3个做你的徒弟，你会选谁？⒈多啦A梦。⒉柯南。⒊蜡笔小新。⒋樱木花道。⒌悟空。⒌大力水手。⒍超人。⒎功夫熊猫。⒏美少女战士。⒐路飞。⒑漩涡鸣人。⒒奥特曼。⒓卡卡西。⒔喜羊羊。⒕蜘蛛侠。⒖百变小樱。⒗忍者神龟。⒘变形金刚。⒙八神庵。⒚杀生丸。⒛阿童木

段子,西天取经,徒弟如果给你一次去西天取经的机会04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 记者：说真的，你真的会给给孩子换尿布吗？姚明：要不你躺下，我给你换一个！实话告诉你，我用一只脚就能给孩子换尿布，喂奶啥的，都行。记者：我不信！姚明：真的，连灯都不用开。记者：不可能！你说怎么换？姚明：一只脚把媳妇揣醒就得。

笑话,姚明姚明的幽默04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 失恋算个啥？轻轻的，你走吧，千万别后悔，因为只要你一挥手，就会发现，已经有那等不及的意中人，正偷偷摸摸拉你的手！

短语,失恋失恋算个啥？04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 一生只谈三次恋爱最好，一次懵懂，一次刻骨，一次一生。谈的太多会比较，无法确定；经历太多会麻木，不再相信爱情，行尸走肉，最后与不爱的人结婚，无法发自内心的爱对方，日常表现的应付，对方则抱怨你不够关心和不顾家，最后这失败的爱情，让你在遗憾和凑合中走完一生。

段子,恋爱,爱情一生只谈三次恋爱最好04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 1吃饭的时候咬到自己的舌头。2在车上睡着了头敲到玻璃。3玩夹子，夹到手。4坐在椅子上摇椅子，把自己摔倒了。5左脚拌右脚结果摔倒。6碰到桌子或柜子的角，巨疼。7从身上硬撕下粘贴。8拉衣服拉链夹到下巴上的肉。9踩楼梯突然踩空摔倒。都经历过，那无敌了！

短语,最痛肉体上最痛的，你经历过几个04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 1友情:《牛仔裤的夏天》 2初恋:《情书》 3孤独:《天使爱美丽》 4坚强:《隐形的翅膀》 5成长:《千与千寻》 6自我:《穿普拉达的女王》 7尊严:《成为简奥斯汀》 8母爱:《黑暗中的舞者》 9自由:《蓝》 10智慧:《律政俏佳人》知识,电影,女人10部值得一看的电影，让女人受益一生】04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 有一种借口叫年轻，可以不珍惜时光，不珍惜爱，不珍惜一切来之不易的东西。有一种感情叫错过，错过爱，错过可以相守的人，错过一段刻骨铭心的情。有一种寂寞叫想念，想念一个人，一段往事，一场相遇。寂静的夜里，深深切切的想念，于是深深切切地寂寞……

段子,借口,珍惜,寂寞有一种借口叫年轻04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 我们常常看到的风景是：一个人总是仰望和羡慕着别人的幸福，一回头，却发现自己正被仰望和羡慕着。其实，每个人都是幸福的。只是，你的幸福，常常在别人眼里。[阳光] 早安

短语,幸福你的幸福，常常在别人眼里04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 你病，或者不病倒，老板就在那里，不悲不喜；你休，或者不休假，工作就在那里，不来不去；你拼，或者不拼命，工资就在那里，不增不减；你辞，或者不辞职，地球还是会转，不歇不停；让我中500万，或者让我傍个大款，扯淡，蛋疼，淡定，悲催，关注，评论，转发！！！

段子,老板,工作你拼，或者不拼命，工资就在那里，不增不减04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢



1、毕业后才知道校园恋爱是最纯洁的；

2、毕业后才知道学习是最重要的；

3、毕业后才知道校园生活是最幸福的；

4、毕业后才知道宿舍生活是最好的；

5、毕业后才知道食堂的饭菜是最便宜的；

6、毕业后才知道上学是最美妙的事。

7、毕业后才知道学生花钱最大手大脚......短语,毕业,恋爱毕业后才知道这七宗“最”04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 “我爱你”的含义是：无论贫穷，富贵，生老，病死，天灾，人祸我都不离弃的爱你。当你说出这三个字的时候，你是否有足够的勇气和顽强的毅力去承受他的人生。爱，不要轻易说出口。

短语,我爱你爱，不要轻易说出口04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 好好去爱，去生活。青春如此短暂，不要叹老。偶尔可以停下来休息，但是别蹲下来张望。走了一条路的时候，记得别回头看。时不时问问自己，自己在干嘛?记住，每天的太阳都是新的，不要辜负了美好的晨光。

段子,生活每天的太阳都是新的，不要辜负了美好的晨光04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢  People cry, not because they\\\'re weak.It\\\'s because they\\\'ve been strong for too long.哭泣，不代表脆弱，只因坚强了太久。

短语,坚强,哭泣哭泣，不代表脆弱，只因坚强了太久04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 他做到了，他悬空了！其实你也可以做到，站在一滩水的右上角就ok！

笑话,悬空他做到了，他悬空了！04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 一年前,学校广场上献血.200CC送一副修指甲的用具,400CC送个手表.邻班一MM听说了感觉很幸福,跑过去问护士:\"1000CC送什么?\" 护士淡定的说:\"送个棺材……\"

笑话,糗事百科,献血糗事百科之献血04月29日0个评论 0人喜欢

 1白羊——孙悟空；2金牛——东海龙王；3双子——红孩儿；4巨蟹——观音娘娘；5狮子——玉皇大帝；6处女——唐僧；7天秤— —太白金星；8天蝎——白骨精；9射手——六耳猕猴；10魔羯——铁扇公主；11水瓶——牛魔王；12双鱼——猪八戒

第20篇：搞笑

日行一善

老师问两位学生：「你们今天有没有日行一善啊？」两位学生齐声答到：「有啊！」老师问：「做了什么事？」

学生：「我们扶一位老太太过马路。」

老师：「嗯，很好，但是扶一位老太太过马路，为什么要两个人呢？」学生：「因为那位老太太本来不想过马路的。」

味道

语文老师发现张三上课睡觉，比较生气，于是弄醒张三问到：你怎么上课睡觉。可是，张三拒不承认睡觉。张三：我没有睡觉。老师：那你干吗闭上眼睛。张三：老师，我在默念课文。老师不信，说：那你干吗直点头。张三：老师，你讲课讲的很好。

老师还是不信，说：那你干吗直流口水。张三：老师，你的课讲得很有味道。

教授

“我今天带来一只青蛙，”动物学教授对学生们说，“刚从水塘里捉来的。这节课我们要解剖青蛙。” 他拿出一个纸盒，小心地打开。盒子里是一块火腿三明治。 “奇怪，”教授十分惊讶，“我明明记得吃过午餐了嘛。

哲学系

某君是辅大哲学系毕业的, 毕业后找不到工作, 一直失业在家。某日, 一位大学同学介绍他到木栅动物园打工, 他很高兴的去了。原来动物园有只老虎临时生病送医, 要他穿上虎皮暂代一下。他想反正也没人看得出是他, 於是就答应了。穿上虎皮进了兽笼后就很尽职的走来走去装老虎, 没多久兽笼打开, 竟然又进来一只老虎, 他吓得一直往角落退; 而那只老虎一直向他逼近.......最后退到无路可退时, 那只老虎说话了..\"老兄别怕! 我是台大哲学系的!\" 原来如此

学校一年一度旅行时，初中的男女生因为兴趣不同，总是分开来玩。女孩子穿着游泳衣走来走去，一方面显示自己，一方面享受阳光。男孩则卷起裤子在水里捉小鱼。

看管这些孩子的一个教师慨叹说：“我不记得我读初中时，女孩子有没有这么成熟的。”

“当然有，只过你当时在忙着捉小鱼罢了！”另一个教师淡然地说。

反应

某日，乔走进教室，所有的头发都高耸直立，老师问怎么回事。乔说：这是发胶的反应。第二日，乔走进教室，脑袋光可鉴人，老师问及。乔说：这是我父亲对发胶的反应。

释义

一位大学教授对学生讲道：“古代‘吕’是接吻的意思，口对口，很形象；”其中一

学生问道：“如果‘吕’是接吻的意思，那么‘品’宇又怎么解释，三个人在一起接吻吗？”

教授正待发怒，又一个同学起来说：“我看‘品’字还好解释，‘器’宇呢？四个人

和一只狗在于什么？”全班笑作一团，教授摔书而去。

孺子可教

老师：“你叫什么名字，为什么捣蛋？” 学生：“我叫王小呆。”

老师：“对老师说话要有礼貌，必须加上‘先生’这称呼，知道吗？” 学生：“是，我叫王小呆先生。”

师：成绩单有没给父母看？生：有。师：那为什麽家长没有盖章？

生:卷起袖子露出伤痕累累的手臂：盖在这里。

英语课上，教师正大谈中西方语言差异，有学生举手提问：“老师， ‘饺子’在英语中怎么说？”教师面有愠色，叱之：“无知至极！人家英国人不吃饺子！”

委屈

父亲：”儿子，你怎么成了班上最差的学生了？”

儿子：”这能怪我吗？原来最差的学生转到别的学校去了。”

龙虾和螃蟹的故事

有一天，龙虾开着车路过一条狭窄的小巷遇见了同样开车的螃蟹。

“你让一让。”龙虾说。“你为什么不让我呀！”螃蟹同样不肯让。两人都不肯让，这样下去也不是办法于是两人决定包拳打。

他两打了一天都没有结果。眼看天黑了，这时来了一个乌龟乌龟看了他两哈哈大笑说到：“两个傻瓜都出剪子，一辈子也没完呀！”

1、一次上英语课，俺正在半梦半醒，老师问我：“西红柿是水果还是蔬菜？”

晕，俺怎么知道，只好猜一个：“嗯，水果„„” 老师的声音高了八度：“什么？”

幸亏俺机灵，赶紧见风使舵：“是蔬菜，蔬菜！” 老师终于不能忍了：“我是让你翻译这句话！”

2、医学院教授给实习生讲课：“为了作出更准确的判断，必须了解病人的遗传病史。” 第二天，一实习生问一名刚送来的病人：“你的腿怎么伤的？” 答：“汽车撞的。”

实习生“你父亲、祖父被汽车撞过吗？”

3、一位外国留学生在大学参加“普通话演讲比赛”，他的开场白是这样的：“诸位女士、诸位先生，我首先得向各位道歉，我的普通话说得不好。我与贵国语文的关系就如同我跟我太太的关系一样，我很爱它，却又无法控制它。”

4、老师：“宿舍卫生检查马上就开始了，你们的床单这么脏怎么办？” 班长：“翻过来应付一下。” 学生：“都已经翻过来啦！”

5、成绩单下发时：座中泣下谁最多？江州司马青衫湿。考试作弊时：不敢高声语，恐惊天上人。

老师让回答问题：千呼万唤始出来，犹抱琵琶半遮面。向往大学：为伊消得人憔悴，衣带渐宽终不悔。检讨书：纸上得来终觉浅，绝知此事要躬行。上课睡觉被抽问：一语惊醒梦中人。

迟到被抓的同学们：同是天涯沦落人，相逢何必曾相识。上课看小说：君子坦荡荡，小人常戚戚。

医生笑话1.

一天，小惠因背痛到医院去看医生。她说：“医生，为何我的背部会那么痛呀？”

医生看了之后，摇了摇头，小惠紧张地问：“怎么了？” 医生问：“你昨晚是不是跟男朋友去约会了？” 小惠说：“对呀！”

医生跟着又问：“你们去墓地约会对不对？” 小惠说：“嗯！”(小惠很不好意思地回答) 医生说：“你们是否有过度的激烈运动？” 小惠说：“医生，你真厉害，怎么都知道？”

医生说：“因为你的背部浮现了‘显考柯公„„之墓„„孝男„„孝孙„„’”

医生笑话2.医生说为了诊断所需，要求漂亮的女病人脱衣服。

“医生，”这位小姐轻声地说，“我不敢在你面前脱衣服„„” “好吧，”医生说，“那我先把电灯关掉，你衣服脱好后再告诉我。” 几分钟后，小姐在黑暗中轻声地说：“我脱好了！衣服要放在哪里？” “就放在这吧！”医生说，“就放在我的衣服上。”

医生笑话3.有一个老兄因为那个生病，痛苦难耐，因此他決定去看医生，于是他找了一位西医。医生看完他的症状说：“你病得很严重，必须开刀把那个切除。”那老兄一惊之下非同小可，心想：最重要的东西被切掉还算男人吗？

于是他決定去找中医，那中医师看了他的情況之后只开了个药方给他，叫他好好休息。

那老兄听了好高兴，说：“这样就好了，不用开刀吗？”

只听那中医师冷冷地说：“开什么刀，过几天它自己就会掉下来了！”

医生笑话4.有位患者到医院求诊，医生问：“你哪里不舒服了？” 患者答：“我昨晚做了个梦，梦见自己是头牛在吃草。”

医生便说：“你放心，这很正常，每个人也会梦到，梦境和现实是不一样的。” 只见那位患者很紧张地说：“可是，可是我起床时发现我床上的草席不见了一半！”

医生笑话5.外科、内科、精神科医生同去猎野鸭。

一只野鸭飞过，内科医生举枪瞄准，但没发射，外科医生惊问：“为何不开枪？” 内科医生道：“你怎能确定那是野鸭？也许是另一种鸟！”

另一只野鸭飞过，精神科医生举枪瞄准，可是也没有发射。外科医生问：“怎么回事？”

精神科医生问道：“野鸭知道自己是野鸭吗？” 另一只野鸭飞过，外科医生从精神科医生手中抢过枪来开了一枪，内科和精神科医生问道：“你肯定那是野鸭吗？” 外科医生笑道：“回去解剖就知道了！”

医生笑话6.张三的胃病相当严重，必须动手术切除，于是他请城里最好的医师为他动了手术。当麻醉的药性过了后，医师前来巡房检查，殷勤地问他：“你觉得怎么样？” 张三不解地说：“肚子还好，可是喉咙却很痛，这是什么毛病？”

医师得意地回答：“你先别紧张。我告诉你，当我为你动手术时，碰巧全省各大医学院的高才生前来观摩，你知道这项手术十分麻烦，但是我却很仔细地完成它，手都没有发抖，所以，这次的手术可说是十全十美。当我做好缝合手术时，全场掌声如雷，大家都叫‘再来一个’，所以我只好将你的扁桃腺也割了。”

医生笑话7.有位父亲带着小女儿到医院拔牙，回家途中问她牙齿还疼不疼？女儿答：“我不知道啊！牙齿留在牙医师那儿。”

医生笑话8.牙科医生约翰每次给病人动手术前总要同他们谈一会儿话，尽可能解除他们的紧张感。有一次他同一位当警察的病人谈了几句后，便问他是否有什么问题。“我只有一个问题，”警察不安地说，“我从没给过你罚款单吧，是不是？” 医生笑话9.有一个牙科医生，第一次给病人拨牙，非常紧张。他刚把臼齿拨下来，不料手一抖，没有夹住，于是，牙齿掉进了病人的喉咙。“非常抱歉。”医生说，“你的病已不在我的职责范围内，你应该去找喉科医生。”当这个病人找到喉科医生时，他的牙齿掉得更深了，喉科医生给他做了检查。“非常抱歉，”医生说，“你的病已不在我的职责范围内，你应该去找胃病专家。”胃病专家用X光为病人检查后说：“非常抱歉，牙齿已掉到你的肠子里了，你应该去找肠病专家。”肠病专家同样做了X光检查后说：“非常抱歉，牙齿已不在肠子里，它肯定掉到更深的地方了，你应该去找肛门科专家。”最后，病人趴在肛门科医生的检查台上，摆出一个屁股朝天的姿势，医生用内窥镜检查了一番，然后吃惊地叫到：“啊，天啊！你的这里长了颗牙齿，应该去找牙科医生。”

医生笑话10.一位病人向医生诉说左脚痛得很。医生说：“这大概跟年纪大有关系。” “不可能，你说得不对，”病人说，“我的右脚与左脚是同岁的，为什么右脚不痛？”

医生笑话11.牙科医生：“你能不能帮帮忙惨叫几声？候诊室里还有那么多病人，我怕赶不及四点钟去看赛球。”

医生笑话12.一位中年男子向医师求救：“我老婆一直抱怨我的性能力日趋减退。”医生说：“别担心，这瓶药可以重振你的雄风。”数天后，这名男子回来复诊，他对医生说：“太棒了！吃了你的药，现在我一天可以做好几次！”医生说：“想来你老婆一定很满意了。”中年男子说：“不知道！从那时起我一直没空回家。”

医生笑话13.有一个商人到国外出差，晚上乘机看一场脱衣舞秀，但是，回到旅馆后，发觉眼睛很痛。第二天，他不得不到一家眼科医院求治。 “我看完表演，眼睛又红又肿。”他告诉医生。

“当你看表演时，最好能眨一眨眼睛，是不会错过多少的。”医生说。

医生笑话14.老王进入不惑之年，他越发觉得自己的耳朵不管用了，因此，他到医院求诊。老王：“医生，我的耳朵越来越不行了，最近我连自己放屁的声音，都听不到了。”医生：“你服用这药看看，情况可能好转。”老王：“我的耳病就能痊愈吗？” 医生：“那可能没办法，但是可以让你的屁声大一点儿。”

医生笑话15.小美在作文簿里写上长大后的愿望：

一、我希望能有一个可爱的孩子；

二、我还希望能有一个爱我的丈夫。

结果，发现老师写了一句评语：请注意先后顺序。

医生笑话16.躺在手术台上的患者，不安地对年轻医生说：“我很害怕啊，这是我平生头一回开刀。”医生安慰道：“别怕，有我作伴呢！我也是平生头一回开刀呀。”

医生笑话17.一个男人得了棒球执著病，心理医生正为他治疗。“事情坏透了，我完全睡不着觉。一合眼我就看见自己成为投手，或者满场跑垒，这样我起床时比上床时更疲惫不堪。我怎么办？”患者说。

“你为什么不试着幻想拥抱着一个美丽的姑娘？”医生说。 “你疯了吗？那我怎么击球？”

医生笑话18.年轻的实习医生向主治医生请教：“您为什么在诊断时，总忘不了问病人用餐经常吃什么？”

主治医生笑答：“这是极其重要的，根据病人的食谱，我可以判断能向他收多少医疗费。”

开心词典节目主持人王小丫现场采访一位节目观众，问：“在你心目中你最崇拜哪个女主持人？”观众说：“是你呀。”王小丫问：“为何如此说？”观众说：“因为你长www.daodoc.com得有点像杨澜！”

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有些老的经典冷笑话15个

2011-01-17 23:40更新 / 你是第 4526 位浏览者 / 目前有 0 条评论

1.局长刚进办公室,办公室主任的老婆闯了进来,挥着一条女式三角裤对局长说：我老公晚上回家竟然穿了女人的内裤,您一定要管管。局长连连点头是,顺手把三角裤塞进口袋里。晚上回家，局长老婆洗衣服时发现了局长口袋里的三角裤，对局长说：以后不许开这样玩笑了，害的人家找了一整天。

2.大学里，上课铃响，老师走进教室，教室里只稀稀拉拉坐着三个学生，老师毫不理会，连讲了两节课。讲毕，老师回过头来，问道：“这三位同学学习态度很不错，你们班的其他同学今天怎么都没来？”下面一学生弱弱的答道：“老师，我也不知道，我们不是您学生，我们是在这自习的。”

3.一夜晚，一女子坐出租车，见司机在吃苹果，说：我生前最喜欢吃苹果了。司机吓得连苹果核都吃了，只听她继续说到：自从生了孩子后我就不太爱吃了。 4.一男生暗恋一女生许久。一天自习课上，男生终于鼓足勇气写了张字条给那个女生，上面写着：“其实我注意你很久了。” 不一会儿，字条又传回来，上面写着：“拜托你别告诉老师，我保证以后再也不上课嗑瓜子了！”

5.测试性格：有一棵很高很高的椰树，分别有四种动物，猩猩、人猿、猴子、金刚爬到树上摘香蕉，你认为哪个先摘到？测你是那种性格的人。公布答案：答案是：

1、猴子是最典型的250；

2、猩猩是少根筋的弱智；

3、人猿是老年痴呆前兆；

4、金刚是脑袋被门夹了的笨蛋~试题解析：你见过椰子树长香蕉么？

6..每个月总有那么三十几天不想上班! .给自己个英文名，叫压力山大。.自从得

了神经病，整个人精神多了 .旅行就是从自己活腻的地方到别人活腻的地方去。 .消防车再不来，火就要灭了啊 .养鱼挺麻烦的，每周要换一次水，我经常忘记。后来就只好每周换一次鱼了。

7.新婚之夜，新娘问新郎：亲爱的，你当初怎么想到要追求我？新郎说：当时我给我所有认识的女孩都写了封情书，只有你一人回信。。。。。

8.小林在车站等公交车，有一个姑娘一直盯着他微笑，小林知道自己长得挺帅，吸引了姑娘的眼球，于是就原地踱了几圈，这么一来，对面那个姑娘笑得越发灿烂了，小林见了就更加起劲地在原地踱起步来。一旁的一位大妈对小林说：“小青年，别在狗屎上踩来踩去好吗？” 。

9.聚会哥几个聊起得罪老婆后如何如何。末了还是几个老方法：跪搓板，跪键盘，跪主板。一哥们吹他老婆疼她，肯定不会跪如上的。大伙起哄让他打电话给老婆免提复述一上选择。他老婆说：跪那些多疼啊，你们怎么那么坏呢！我们就问：那跪什么啊？他老婆沉默良久：跪方便面吧，不许掉渣！！

10.爱尔兰结婚不许离婚，但是可以选择年限1到100年，过期不续期就相当于自动离了，但是时间越短费用越高，1年的登记费折合人民币2万多，100年的只要6元钱。结婚一年，说明你不懂婚姻，于是有一本很厚的婚姻书要看，而选择100年只有一张纸，上面写着一句：祝你们白头到老。

11.劫犯抢银行，进门断喝一声：“钱是国家的，命是自己的，把钱交出来！”瞬间，一切搞定！归途，小罪犯说，数数抢了多少钱。罪犯头子摇头：“不必，晚上看新闻就知道了！”――结论：专业！

12.老夫妇去拍照，摄影师问：“大爷，您是要侧光，逆光，还是全光？”大爷腼腆的说：”我是无所谓，能不能给你大妈留条裤衩？”

13.牛说：这么多人喝我们的乳汁，却没有人叫我们一声“妈”。乌贼鱼说：娘的，满肚子墨水居然也成了贼！老鼠说：成天为了点儿吃喝担惊受怕的，能不老吗？苍蝇说：我和蜜蜂的最大差别在于口味不同。鱼说：打死我也不去什么网吧！恐龙说：不好意思，死得太早了，让你们伤脑筋了。。。。

14.猪八戒到韩国做美容,成了帅哥,于是到夜总会找美女。散场后八戒问美女:知道我以前有多丑?我是猪八戒!美女大惊:二师兄,我是老沙! ！！

15.一男子来到医院精神病科：大夫，我老婆总以为自己是钢琴，我该怎么办？大夫：那你还不把她带来？男子：你是不是精神有毛病？我一个人怎么能抬动钢琴？

师生之间的中英文对照英语笑话

1、Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,\"School-Go slow\".老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子??写着\"学校----慢行\".

2、Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.两只鸟

老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

3、The Fish Net \"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?\" \"A lot of little holes tied together with strings.\" replied the little girl.鱼网

\"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？\" 老师发问道。

\"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。\" 小女孩回答道。

4、The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September.\"George, how did you like your new teacher?\" asked his mother.\"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....\" 新老师

9月1日，乔治放学回到家里。

\"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？\" 妈妈问。

\"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。\"

5、A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his clamates were thinking it hard.The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

英语也能如此搞笑

某人是内蒙古农村的，有一对外国老夫妇到这里住了下来。因为村里的人无法和他们交流，老夫妇很寂寞，就养了一只猫。一天早上，老夫妇正梳理猫毛，一个人从旁边过来，冲着俩人说“鼓捣猫呢”。夫妇俩随即冲着来人说：“Good morning.” 傍晚时分，二人正在把晾在外边的衣服收起来，路过的一个村民冲着他们说：“鼓捣衣服呢！”二人这回反应很快说：“Good evening.” 私下里老夫妇俩感叹，合着他们这里的人都会说英语呀！某次英文考试有两道题目： 1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。 2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。正确答案应为： 1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone.2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up.但是某生的答案是： 1）Shit! 2）Hello? 老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money，并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu．外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道：\"Mi Jiang, you are very beautiful.\" 翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文：\"Where? Where?\" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底：\"Everywhere, everywhere.\" 翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。” 江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文：\"You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see.\" 一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY ‘I LOVE YOU!!’SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!” 男的答道：“IT!” 某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry.老外应道：I am sorry too.某人听后又道：I am sorry three.老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.” 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?” 男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。男：What time is it now? 女：It\'s nine.男：Let\'s go to bed.女：We go to bed at nine.全班绝倒。一天，我准备坐车去学校，正在路上走着，一辆车快速从我面前穿过，并且撞到一位正在观光的日本人。当然情况很是吓人，路边的好心人立刻冲上前去问道：“How are you?” 日本人上气不接下气的回答：“F..ine,th..ank you...and you?” 围观的人顿时愣住。。。由此可知日本人的英文是死记硬背的

苏东坡的幽默笑话

一日中午，苏东坡去拜访一位老和尚。老和尚正忙着作菜，刚把煮好的鱼端上桌，就听到小和尚禀报：苏东坡先生来访。和尚怕把吃鱼的秘密暴露，情急生智，把鱼扣在一口磬中，便急忙出门迎接客人。两人同至禅房喝茶，苏东坡喝茶时，闻到阵阵鱼香，又见到桌上反扣的磬，心中有数了。因为磬是和尚做佛事用的一种打击乐器，平日都是口朝上，今日反扣着，必有蹊跷。

这时，老和尚说：「居士今日光临，不知有何见教？」苏东坡有意开老和尚玩笑，装着一本正经的样子说：「在下今日遇到一难题，特来向长老请教。」

老和尚连忙双手合十说：「阿弥陀佛，岂敢，岂敢。」

苏东坡笑了笑说：「今日友人出了一对联，上联是『向阳门第春常在』，在下一时对不出下联，望长老赐教。」

老和尚不知是计，脱口而出：「居士『才高八斗，学富五车』，今日怎麽这健忘，这是一副老对联，下联是『积善人家庆有馀』。」

苏东坡不由得哈哈大笑：「既然长老明示『磬（庆)有鱼(馀)』，我就来大饱口福吧！」

关于名人的笑话五则

名人笑话

1、大富翁洛克菲勒来到一家旅馆，要求住最便宜的房间。

服务员问：“先生，您为什么要住最便宜的房间呢？您的儿子来这儿，可总是要住最贵最好的房间啊！”

“是啊！”洛氏答：“因为他的老子是富翁，而我的老子却是穷人。”

名人笑话

2、美国总统柯立芝任期快要结束时，发表了有名的声明：“我不打算再干这个行当了。”

记者们觉得话里有话，老是缠住他不放，请他解释为什么不想再当总统了。实在没有办法，柯立芝把一位记者拉到一边对他说：“我干的很辛苦，可是没有升职的机会。”

名人笑话

3、有一次，一个又高又瘦的客人去拜访小说家赫维斯，看小说家胖乎乎的模样，便说：“如果我像您这么胖的话，一定没有生活的勇气，非上吊不可！” 赫维斯笑着回答：“我如果接受您的建议上吊的话，一定会用您当绳子的。”

名人笑话

4、库勒克是德国的大钢琴家，有一次被富翁白林克请去吃饭。白林克过去是个鞋匠。进餐完毕，主人要求客人弹支曲子，库勒克只好从命。

不久，钢琴家也回请白林克来吃饭。饭后，他捧出一双旧靴来。富翁感到很奇怪，库勒克说：“上次你请我，是为了听曲子；今天我请你，是为了补靴子。”

名人笑话

5、意大利音乐家帕格尼尼雇了一辆马车赴剧院演出，眼看就要迟到了，他非常着急，便请车夫快点赶路。“我要付给你多少钱？”帕格尼尼问道。 “10法郎。”车夫回答。 “你这是开玩笑吧？” “我想不是，今天人们去听你用一根琴弦拉琴，你可是每人收10法郎呢！” “那好吧，”帕格尼尼说，“我付你10法郎，不过，你得用一个轮子把我载到剧院。”

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