搞笑5人剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》
演员表：
西门吹雪
叶孤城
花满楼
king
旁白
道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。
第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠
旁白：A quiet villages covered with white snow .
Birds are dancing in the cold .
A man is walking along the street , step by step .
Wind is coming in silence.
Another mysterious man approaches .
Y与X相遇．
X：Oh ,I am sorry to knock you !
Y: Ha ha, Never mind baybay.
X: Excuse me， who are you on earth? Could you tell me your name?
Y: ha ha ,I won’t change my name! no matter what happens.I’m the most famous-------Ye Gucheng（叶孤城）.Who are you?
X: I am ximenchuixue（西门吹雪）.
Y惊讶:Ar, ximenchui xue（西门吹雪）?
X: Yes ,what is wrong?
Y : I heard that you are the besting Martial Arts?
X: Great, you know me !
Y抱腿：Please, please„„ Don’t kill me! Let me you go!
X: No, I must kill you ! Y:I don\'t want to be killed.There are a eighty-year-old mother and a three-year old son to be looked after by me!
X: No way ! Because we are fighting now !you know ?
Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don\'t for ceme!
X: Pardon!
(Y拿出一袋牛奶)
X抢过牛奶:milk, very good! I like drinking it.How do you know that?
Y: please drink it!
X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha ,ha
Y: Do you still want to kill me?
X: Sure, must! Milk is milk.
Y(恼怒+冷酷):Very good! Very good! I hope you will not for get what you said!?
X:I’m sure I won’t!
Y:I must give you ales son !If I don\'t beat your this time, you’ll never be have properly!3-2-1-0!
X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !
Y大笑：Ha Ha„„
X可怜状: help! help! Where is the washroom?
Y: What ?
X: Toliet?
Y: What ?
X: The “WC”? Y: Oh ,I see ,go along this street and turn right when you see acoring road!
X: Thanks ,bye bye.
Y掏出纸屑吹:This is genuirne snow!
H: Stop !Protecting the environmentisabasicobligation!
Y:Whoareyou?
H:Hua---man----lou! Haveyouseenximenchuixue?
Y:Yes, hewasbeatenbymeandisin“WC” now,ha„„
H惊讶:Nowyouarethebestintheworld!
Y:Youareright!
H:Teriffic!youaretheonemykinglookingfor! doyouwantjoininus?
Y:Yes,It’sverygood.
H:Ok, followme, Let’sgotoseemyking!
Y 443836435 21:24:10 :Ok,Let’s go!
第二幕：无间道
H:Mydearest ! letmeintroduce yeguchengtoyou! （指Y） thisisyegucheng.
K:sitdownplese, yegucheng.
H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Yegucheng! Doyouwanttofollowmykingnomatterwhathappenuchascold headache,sair and aids?
Y: Yes,Ido.
K: Huamanlou, come .puttheringonhisfinger!（音乐停）
X唱着上:Onlyyou„„(看到戒子) thisringshouldbemine!
K:Butwhoareyou? whyshoulditbelongyou?
Y
急
切
:
king! dearking!Imustgonow,mybrotherislookingforme!huoxi(维语再见)
K:huoxi? Whatdoesthatmean? ItisnotEnglish, isn’t it ?
Y:How clever„„
X冷酷:yegucheng! comehere!Iwanttotellyousomething!
Y抱X的腿:oldbrother ! Forgiveme!
X:Forgiv 443836435 21:24:51 notbecleveruntilthedayhedie.Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead !
H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !
K; why ? whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou ?
H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng------the wifeofX .I’maspy.
K惊讶: !you---you---YouareLuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?
Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou .atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Ｘwilldie ,goandseehim ,please .
H扑倒在Ｘ的身边：Ｘ,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much 443836435 21:24:52 hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !
K:what amoving story !I was impreed !
Y:life is a progre ,but it is depreed that it can not resume !
H: life isa progre ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume !
(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，Ｋ吓跑.音乐《再见，警察》起)
Y痛苦状:don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you------help me .I’ll never dothat again !(Y死，音乐停)
（X咳，H扑到身边，电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起）
H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .
X:gohome ! ?
H:Tomorrow is an 443836435 21:24:59 other day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !
X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ? ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you .but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor...promise meyou will survive...that youwillnevergiveup...nomatter what happens...no matter howhopele...promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise.
H: I promise .http://www.daodoc.com
X:Never let go .
H:Ipromise .Iwill never let go ,
X.I\'\'\'\'\'\'\'\'ll never letgo.(X死) H:be alive
!yeah
,
bealive
!
bealivewithout ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback .t 443836435 21:25:30 hereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死.音乐停。）
443836435 21:22:41 eme? Why?
Y:
Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit.Ifthegodgivemeantherchance, I’lltellyou“I love you”,Iftheremustbea limited period,Ihopeitisthousandyear!
X:Youshall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s“WC”! Y:Ilikegoinglady
’
s
WC
.I
„
„
I„
„IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)
X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思) K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou?
X:Youarestupid! Itmeans“I love you”. K:Don’t
saythat“you
love
me”.
I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!
X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You---kill----me?come, come„(Ｘ上去抓住K)
K:Fuckyou.Imustkillyou!
X:Howcanyoukillme? haha„„
Y:Let 443836435 21:24:51 mehaveatry! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下) K: thankyouverymuch,
yousaveme.
Now,
I’llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou
haveavacation.
Y:That’s good.butthereisonemorething.canyougivemea MM ?IwanttogoAmericanwithher. K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha„„
Y:Hahaha-----
H:Where’omewhere?
K:What?
Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s“WC”?
X:Yes,I„„I„„ do.
H顶着摇头：X,no, no， youcan’tgotoLady’s “WC”.Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!
X: whatifI’mthebestintheword? !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable ? whencanIgetmyfreedom? mustbethedeadday ? !
K: youareright.onewill 443836435 21:24:11 eme? Why?
Y:
Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit.Ifthegodgivemeantherchance, I’lltellyou“I love you”,Iftheremustbea limited period,Ihopeitisthousandyear!
X:Youshall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s“WC”! Y:Ilikegoinglady
’
s
WC
.I
„
„
I„
„IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)
X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思) K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou?
X:Youarestupid! Itmeans“I love you”. K:Don’t
saythat“you
love
me”.
I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!
X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You---kill----me?come, come„(Ｘ上去抓住K)
K:Fuckyou.Imustkillyou!
X:Howcanyoukillme? haha„„
Y:Let 443836435 21:24:36
