Hugh Gallagher是一个著名的喜剧家，这篇文章是90年代初他的大学申请eay，题目是很普通的\"介绍你自己\"，但是Gallagher把这篇东西写神了。这篇比因特网还要年纪大的文章是长久以来的因特网传奇。
作者用了很朴实的词汇、简单的句型和琐碎的内容，展现了他对于语言的掌控能力和和充满幽默感的才气。虽然出自一个高中生之手，但是即使是被因特网上的种种幽默惯坏了的我看来，仍然是上乘之作。
非常羡慕这种语言上的天才。
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IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
By Hugh Gallagher
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large gla of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.I play bluegra cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.When I\'m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding.On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthle bookie.Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.I don\'t perspire.I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend paes.Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration.I bat .400.My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.While on vacation in Canada, I succefully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.The laws of physics do not apply to me.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.I breed prize winning clams.I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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类似风格的作品其实还有大神George Carlin的Modern Man
YouTube视频 (个人认为是George Carlin最精彩的一段ranting)
I\'m a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
I\'ve been uplinked and downloaded.
I\'ve been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.
I\'m a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I\'m new wave but I\'m old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.
I\'m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.
I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I\'m interactive,
I\'m hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I\'m radioactive.
Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.
I\'m on point,
On task,
On meage,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.
I\'m in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.
A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic miionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.
I\'m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.
I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal aistant,
And a personal agenda.
You can\'t shut me up,
You can\'t dumb me down.
\'Cause I\'m tirele,
And I\'m wirele.
I\'m an alpha male on beta blockers.
I\'m a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.
Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.
Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.
I\'m a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.
Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
But I\'m feeling,
I\'m caring,
I\'m healing,
I\'m sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.
I\'m gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I\'m toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.
A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.I\'ve been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.I\'m a rude dude,
But I\'m the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.Rough tough and hard to bluff.
I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.
Drivin\' and movin\',
Sailin\' and spinnin\',
Jivin\' and groovin\',
Wailin\' and winnin\'.
I don\'t snooze,
So I don\'t lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.
I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.I\'m hanging in,
There ain\'t no doubt.And I\'m hanging tough, Over and out.
