The insane asylum
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon.” Another one said, “ How do you know?”.
The first inmate said, “God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
Improvement
One student said to another, “How are your English leons coming along?”
“Fine, I used to be one who couldn’t understand the English men, and now it’s the English men who can’t understand me.”
All Except the Music
A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her cla to the glories of claical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert.To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lomonade, cake, chocs and ices.Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, “Have you enjoyed yourself today?”
“Oh, yes, mi” said Sally, “It was lovely.All except the music, that is.”
half or five tenths
Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths?
Gerad: I would much rather have the half.
Teacher: Think carefully and tell me why.
Gerad: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.
The Reason for being late
Teacher: Why are you late for school every morning?
Jonny: Because every time I get to the corner, a guidepost says, “ School-----Go slowly”.
When do People Talk Least?
St A: When do people talk least?
St B: In February.
St A: Why?
St B: Because February is the shortest month in a year.
Plural Form of Child
T: What’s the plural form of “man”?
S: It’s “men”,.
T:GoodAnd the plural of “child”?
S: Twins.
My Sister’s Fingers
T: Why are you late this time?
S: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking a nail at home.
T: I don’t see any bandages.
S: Oh, they weren’t my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
What is the climate of New Zealand
T: What’s the climateof New Zealand?
S:Very cold, sir.
T:Wrong.
S: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
Lightening
T: Why the lightening never strike the same place twice?
S: Because the stroke place isn’t there any more.
How many rabbits?
T: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?
S: Nine, sir!
T: Nine?
S: I’ve got one already.
To Go to Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up……What about you,Terry? You havent’s got your hand up ----don’t you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can’t.My Mum told me to go straight home.
I Wasn’t Asleep
When a group of women got on the bus, all the seats wear occupied.The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might mi his stop, he nudged him and said, “ Wake up, sir!”
“I was not asleep,” said the man.
“Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed.”
“I know.I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car”
Our tails
A lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours and then he started again, and he said , “Let me ask the evolutionist a question----If we had tails like a baboon, where are they?”
“I’ll venture an answer, ” said an old lady.“We have worn them off sitting here so long.”
The umbrella
A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall.He put on the handle a card on which was ritten: “This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up 100 pounds and I shall be back in ten minutes.”
When he came back , he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was ritten: “This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour , I shall not come back.”
The Great Event
T: What great event happened in 1809?
S: Abraham Lincoln was born?
T: Right! And what great event happened in 1812?
S: Lincoln had his third birthday.
Always Share!
An old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat: one Coca Cola and one portion of French fries.The old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to divide the Coda Cola into two glaes, half for him and half for his wife.He devided all the Frech fries half-and-half..He gave half to his wife and kept half for himself.Then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didn’t eat.
There was a young man who was standing next to the table and wondering why the old man had divided everything in half, and he thought that maybe they didn’t have any money.He said to the old couple, “I can buy you one more portion; you don’thave to share like that.”
The old man explained, “No,no, no, we have been married for forty years and we always share everything.Whatever we have, we share half and half.Don’t worry, but thank you, anyhow.”
But then after a while, he saw that the woman wasn’t eating, and only the man ate, and he asked, “why aren’t you eating,?” And the wife said, “Today it’s his turn to use the teeth.”
