Good evening everyone my name is JoeWong.But to most people I am known as WHO? Which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.But joking aside I just want to reaure everyone I am invited here to tonight.I grew up in china, who didn’t? But my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school as part of the curriculum I had to work in a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.My dad was a grumpy guy who occasionally tried to cheer me up with jokes but he doesn’t do it right.When I was seven one day he said to me,“hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” So five minutes later I said, ‘why?’ He said, “Because I said so!”
I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at RICE university Texas, that wasn’t a joke until now…
I was driving a used car with a lot of bumper stickers which was impoible to peel off.One of them said- if you don’t speak English, go home! And uh I didn’t notice for two years.
Like many other immigrants we want our son to become the president of the this country, and uh we try to make him bi lingual- you know , Chinese at home and English in public which is really tough to do because many times I had to say to him in public, “hey listen if you don’t speak English, go home!” And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?” I said,’ son, once you become president of the United States you have to sign legislative bills in English and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
When I graduated from RICE I decided to stay in the United States because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here…be ethnic! And in order for me to become a US citizen I had to take this American history leons where they ask us questions like- who is Benjamin franklin? Were like ahhh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed.What’s the second amendment? Ahhh…the reason our convenience store gets robbed.
What is ROE vs.WADE? Ahhh …two ways of coming to the United States? Later on I read so much about American history I started to harbor, ‘white guilt”…that is in America They say,” All men are created equal”, but after birth it kind of depends on the parents income for early education and healthcare.I read in , Mens Health Magazine, that president Obama every week has two cardio days and four weightlifting days.You see I don’t have to excursive because I have health insurance.I look at Maatuchets now where we have universal health care..then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed meages..I think there was a movie about him that’s called- kill bills! I am honored to ahh meet ah vice president JoeBiden here tonight…ahmm I actually read your autobiography and today I see you…I think the book is much better.They should have cast brad Pitt or even anjo; linaJolie So ahh you guys I am really honored to be here tonight and ah I prepared for months for tonight’s show and ah I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama and that is when he decided not to come.And he started to talk about immigration reforms..take that Stephen Colbert! And ah President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but ah he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize and he accepted it! …you can’t be more bad a than that! Well actually I am thinking the only way you can be more bada than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military…
We have many distinguishedjournalists here tonight whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for the campus newspaper…I think journalism is the last refuge for puns…only in a newspaper can you say things like I was born in the year of the horse and that is why I am a ? And ah tonight is my first time here on c-span which is a channel I obviously always watch when I can’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching c-span there’s a c-span 2 and c-span3! So I became a US citizen in 2008… which I am really happy about.Thank you very much.America is number 1, that’s true because um we won the WORLD SERIES ever year.After becoming a US citizen and ah I immediately registered to vote for OBAMA and BIDEN..Your welcome! You had me at,”yes we can!” That was their slogan.
So ah after getting OBAMA and BIDEN elected I felt this power trip and ah I started to think maybe I should run for president myself, well I have to take a step back and explain a little bit, you know cuz ah I have always been a morose and peimistic guy, I felt that ah life is kind of like peeing into the snow on a dark winter night..I probably made a difference but it was hard to tell! But now we have a president who is half black and half white and it gives me a lot of hope because I am, half not black and half not white two negatives make a positive, you may be saying,”hey what would be your campaign slogan?” You see I spent ten years in the past decade ..oh you too? Okay.I understand the American people are suffering so my campaign slogan will be,” WHO CARES?”
If elected I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required…that will get me the youth vote.You see I am married now but I used to be very scared about marriage, I was like, and “Wow 50 % of all marriages end up lasting forever! And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force so two people will have to do the work of one.Just like the president and vice president Or the Olsen twins! Aside from Heart disease and cancer most Americans die of natural causes so if elected president I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one…but it won’t be covered by health insurance though, because of preexisting conditions.And ah I have a quick solution to global warming …I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius …it was 100 degrees now it is forty.You’re very welcome
And uh I am great with foreign policy because I am from china and I can see Ruia from my backyard.I believe unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow so if elected I will go with TEXT meaging, I will text our allies just to say hi.And text our enemies…when they are driving.OMG your building a nuclear weapon? …But you’re doing it wrong LOL…
I just wanted to thank radio and TV correspondents’ dinner for having me here tonight.This is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.
