Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as Who?, which is actually my mother\'s maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.
But joking aside I just want to reaure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.[refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]
I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas.That wasn\'t a joke, until now.
And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impoible to peel off.One of them said \"If you don\'t speak English, go home\".And I didn\'t know this for two years.
And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because many times I have to say to him in public, \"hey, listen, if you don\'t speak
English, go home.\" And he would say to me, \"hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?\" I said， \"son, once you become the president of the United State,you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese.\"
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United States
because in China, I can\'t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history leons, where they ask us questions like \"Who is Benjamin Franklin?\" I was like \"Ah , the reason our convenience store gets robbed?\" [Franklin is on $100 bill]
\"What is the second amendment?\" I was like \"Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?\" [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] \"
What is Roe versus Wade?\" I was like \"Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?\" [Roe v.Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the audience knows.Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that I
started to harbor white guilt.[Obviously he is not white and should not feel guilty.]
I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I actually read your autobiography.And today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have [not very clear] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie.So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I [not very clear] the white house and [not very clear] by President Obama, that was when he decided not to come.
And he started to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Steven Colbert.[a liberal comedian always faking a conservative]
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize.And he accepted it.You can\'t be more bada than that.Well actually, I am thinking the only way you can be more bada than that is if you take the
nobel peace prize money and give it to the military.
We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for punks.Only on the newspaper can you say things like \"I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer.\" [poking fun at media
for relating things that have no causality] My point exactly.
And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn\'t stand the sensationalism and demagogury of PBS and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn\'t fall
asleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3.[C-span channels broadcast boring congreional debates, etc.] Thank you very
much.
So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you very much.America is number one.That is true because we won the World Series every year.[WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins.Great joke]
After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden.Thank you very much.You had me at \"Yes we can\".That was a slogan.So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip.And I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.Well I have take a step back and explain a bit.You know,cause I had always been a morose and peimistic guy.I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You\'ve probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell.[best joke of the night].But now we have a president who is half black and half white.It just gives me a lot of hope.Because I am half not black, half not white.Two negatives make a positive.
