荆珂刺秦王搞笑英语话剧剧本
演员：荆轲
太子丹
随从阿三
李莫愁
荆轲妻子 旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways.Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”.But finally he failed.Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.Action I 太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world.But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth.I am so scared.So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister? 阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea.We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状） 太子：Oh yeah~~~.What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状） Good idea! But who is the right candidate? 阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand.One is Mi LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe.Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as poible, OK? 阿三：Yes.Action II （《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐） 荆轲
Are you Li mochou? 李莫愁 Yes.荆轲
OK.I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.李莫愁
Are you challenging me? 荆轲
Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意 李莫愁 Come on! 音乐起 两人冲上前来
“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，两刀砍死你啊。。。。” 李莫愁倒地 荆轲大笑
李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?
荆轲: We don\'t need any reason to win a person.Don\'t we? Do we? （赢一个人需要理由么，不需要么，需要么？）
李莫愁：Momma always said: \"Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou.You never know what you\'re gonna get.\" I got it, Momma is right.荆轲再次大笑
太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you? 荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you? 太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”? 荆柯：Sure! 太子丹：How are you? 荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife? 太子丹晕倒 荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!
太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please? 荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着： To be or not to be, that\'s a question.阿三：Hero，we need your help.荆柯：I am busy now! 太子丹：You can get a lot of money.荆柯：I am very busy now! 阿三：IC, ID, IQ card? 荆柯：I am very very busy now! 阿三(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world.If you say O.K., she is yours.荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love! 阿三：What? What’s the TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM? 观众甲：TCM - Traditional Chinese MM .太子丹：I must show you the trump card.Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea.It is a brand new product of Unilever China.荆柯（激动）：Slimming tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times.My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up.Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗……
（《No matter》音乐起，荆轲先与阿三跳探戈，拥入怀中，又甩出去，阿三做呕吐状。然后荆轲与太子丹跳伦巴，最后太子丹摆一个女性化的造型，向后弯腰并抬其中一条腿，荆轲做调戏状。） 荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me what should I do? I will do anything for you.太子丹与阿三（撞胯，击掌）Yeah! Action Ш
（《大话西游》主题曲响起） 荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹,阿三在后.阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.荆珂：Just stop here, please.Farewell, my friends 太子丹：I will mi you, baby.（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack和rose在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，并抛下定情手绢。荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。） 荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.妻子：I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救赎》）
荆珂(流泪) ：I love you more.In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you.(哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你，选自《飘》) 妻子：Well.Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor...promise me you will survive...that you will never give up...no matter what happens...no matter how hopele...promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack对Rose的倾诉）.妻子:\"I promise.\" 荆轲:\"Never let go.“
妻子:\"I promise.I will never let go, Jack.I\'ll never let go.\" （荆轲的发音和jack很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。） 妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪， 荆珂上船，渐渐远去 妻子：It’s a good day to die.Never come back.Never…… Never……
妻子(掏出手机拨号，阿三接手机)： Thank you very much.As soon as I get the life aurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.阿三：Okay okay! 旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.
Justice Is The Winner(正义必胜) by Cecilia Liu 劉怡芬
5人短剧。搞笑的匪徒,搞笑的绑架案，不错的剧本。 人物
Bunny Cheng: Bunny Chen Eliza Lin: Daughter Celine Tu: Reporter et Aside Sano Hsieh: Small gangster(小流氓) Trent Cheng: Big gangster(大流氓) ------------------ SCENE I A mother is doing exercise in the living room when the phone is ringing.And her daughter is in the school now.Mom: Hello~ Caller: (A boy is crying.) Ha! Your kid is here.Do you hear his voice? If you want to save your kid, prepare the ransom.Mom: Are you crazy? I don’t have a son!!! Don’t try to cheat me.Stupid guy! The mother is very angry and hung up the phone.But later… the phone is ringing again… Mom: Hello~ Caller: Hello~ Are you busy now? Mom: (I recognize the voice.) You are a fraud, right? Do you want to trick me again? Is it fun? Don’t do such a boring thing, O.K.? I won’t believe you.
Caller: Really? Listen to this.(A girl is crying on the phone, ”mom, help me~ help me~) Mom: Oh~ you are a good actor.This time is better but I still won’t fall into your trap to rob me of my money! If you call again, I will call the cop.Do you understand? (Hang up the phone more angrier.) But the voice sounds like her daughter’s and the mom is not disturbed.She decides to go to the elementary school to see her daughter.The mom got there… Mom: Eliza~ Eliza: Mom~ why you are here? Are you miing me? Do you come here to pick me up? Mom: Ya~ are you happy in the school? Let’s go home.I want to tell you something on the way home.Mom tells Eliza about the phone scam and wants her to be careful from now on.SCENE II英语剧本大全ww.coffbar.com Because the mother didn’t believe the two gangsters really kidnapped her kid, the gangsters were furious.So they decided to kidnap her daughter this time.The gangsters have found the school her daughter studies in, and observed for many days.Today is the day they plan to kidnap the child.The big gangster always focuses on what he’s doing but the small gangster is usually absent-minded.Big gangster: Hey! Concentrate!! (The big gangster hit the small gangster’s head)
Small gangster: Ouch! O.K.O.K.At this moment, the girl appears.Small gangster: (Check the picture.) Hey!! Buddy!! Look! Is that her? Big gangster: Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s hunting time.
Small gangster: I’m so excited!! Oh~ what a beautiful girl.Just like a fairy.My sweetheart… Buddy do you know? I feel that I get butterflies in my stomach! Big gangster: (Hitting the small gangster’s head again.) Hey! Wake up!! Stop day-dreaming.Let’s make a move! Small gangster: Oh~ my baby~ I’m coming!!
Big gangster: Hey!! Lady!! Can you do me a favor? Eliza: Sure! What can I do for you? Small gangster: (Murmuring) This beautiful lady has a beautiful heart.Big gangster: Sorry.Ignore what he said.Eliza: Never mind! Big gangster: Thanks! I want to go to Tunghai University.Do you know how can I get there? Eliza: Oh… you should go straight until the traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left.Keep going straight and you would see the university.Big gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, turn right and we will see a supermarket at the end of the street.And… Eliza: No! No! No! Go straight until the traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left.Keep going straight and you would see the university.Small gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, then turn left and go straight to the end of the street, then we can see the university.Eliza: Oh, my! No! Wrong again! You two are really a stupid guy.Big gangster: It’s too complex.I can’t remember all the directions.I’m a foreigner.And I have an important presentation there.Could you go with us, guide us there? Please~ Eliza was confused.But she is a kind person and she likes to help people.Eliza: Umm… let me think… okay!! Let’s go! Small gangster: How kind of you!! My little girl.Big gangster: Sorry.Just ignore him.Thank for your help.Eliza goes with the gangsters.In the gangsters’ car, the small gangster suddenly shows a sharp knife.And shouts, “Don’t move!” Eliza is shocked and starts screaming.Eliza: What are you doing? Small gangster: I’m kidnapping you! Eliza: Oh~ I am so scared.Small gangster: (Talk to the big gangster.) Did you hear that, she is scared? Big gangster: Ya~ we are profeional.Eliza: Not funny! I’m hungry.I want to go home! I want to go home! Small gangster: Shut up.Don’t be so noisy! Eliza keeps crying.Small gangster: You! Get out of the car! Big gangster: (Hit the small gangster angrily!) Idiot! I have a stupid partner.(Disappointed) Eliza: I agree! (Nod head.) Big gangster: Don’t cry baby, I give you a lollipop.Eliza: Thank you.How kind of you. SCENE III Mother is preparing dinner.Mom: Eliza! Eliza! Time for dinner! I’m hungry! Hurry up! No one answers her.And she realizes there is something wrong.Mom: Eliza, where are you? Don’t play hide and seek with me! It’s not funny.I’m hungry.
As the mother is finding her daughter, the phone rings.Mom: Hello~ this is Anderson.I’m busy finding my daughter.Don’t bother me!
Big gangster: Are you finding your daughter? Ha! Ha! Ha… she is right here.Mom: Good job! Tell her it’s time for dinner.I’m hungry! Big gangster: Hey! You are cluele.I have already kidnapped your daughter, Eliza Anderson! Mom: Hey! Buddy! Don’t trick me!
Big gangster: Sure! Listen! (The gangster takes the phone to Eliza.) Eliza: Hello! Mom! I’m here! They are so kind.They gave me a lollipop.The gangster takes the phone away.Big gangster: Do you believe me now? If you want your daughter to come back for dinner.You have to prepare the ransom of NT $ 20,000,000.Mom: Too expensive! 20% off.Big gangster: Are you buying clothes? Mom: Bargain is my hobby.Big gangster: No negotiation you should bring the ransom to Tunghai Lake at 8:00 pm.And remember don’t call the cop.Or you will find your daughter in the lake.Mom: O.K.See you then! At Tunghai Lake.The gangsters and Eliza are baking fish from the lake because they are hungry.At this time, the mother is coming.Mom: Ha! (Mom shouts.) The gangsters and Eliza are shocked.And the small gangster’s fish is falling down on the floor.Small gangster: Oh,! My fish! Who’s there?
Mom: It’s me, Bunny Anderson, Eliza’s mother, Anderson’s wife.Where is my daughter? Release my daughter.Eliza: Hi! Mom, I’m here.Do you want to come here to eat fish? Big gangster: Where is the ransom? Mom: Release my daughter first! Big gangster: Give me the ransom first! Mom: No way! And the battle begins.Mom: Justice is always the winner.Eliza: Oh~ Yeah! Mom, you win! Celine: Ha! I got it! I got it! A new…… headline.Celine: I am at Tunghai Lake.Earlier, there was a violent fighting.A watermelon knife V.S.A B.B.Q.fork.According to the witnees, a mother fought with the gangsters for her daughter.And the mother won.Now, let’s interview the persons involved.Celine: Do you feel regretful? Do you feel sorry to this society? Small gangster: I……
Celine: I…… I know.You are very sorry and regretful.How about you? (Turn to the big gangster.) Big gangster: None of your busine.(Run to the wall.) Leave me alone.Eliza: Me! Me!
Celine: What do you want to say? Eliza: Uh…My mom is so cool.She came to save me! Mom: My turn.My turn.Celine: O.K.O.K.What do you want to say after winning the fight? Mom: Well……
Celine: Well, you are very happy and proud of yourself to be the winner in the battle.Mom: Yes.And the gangsters…
Celine: Oh, the gangsters are very stupid and silly.Mom: Right.And they…
Celine: They want to trick you, but…
Mom: But… enough.I’m hungry.I want to go home with my daughter.Celine: Next time, if you receive a phone call from a scam artist, here are the things you can do to avoid being tricked.First, stay clam and be skeptical about it.The caller hopes to fool you with a moving story, causing you to forget your good judgment.A little doubt can protect you.Second, verify the story.Call the organization to make sure the story is true.Third, report it to the police.And don’t deal with the villains on your own.One phone call will often expose a trap quickly.However, to tell the truth, the mother is really very brave.She is my idol.I want to keep her sign.This is reporter Celine reporting from Tunghia Lake for TVAS.
搞笑英语话剧剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》 搞笑5人剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》
演员表：
西门吹雪
叶孤城
花满楼
king 陆小凤
旁白
道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。
第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠
旁白：A quiet villageis covered with white snow .
Bird sare dancing in the cold .
A man is walking along the street ,step by step .
Wind is coming in silence.
Another mysterious man approaches .
Y与X相遇．
X：oH , I am sorry to knock you !
Y:Haha, Never mind baybay.
X:Excuse me， who are you on earth? Could you tell me your name?
Y:ha ha ,I won’t change my name! no matter what happens.I’m the most famous-------Ye Gucheng.Who are you?
X:Iam ximen chuixue.
Y惊讶:Ar, ximen chui xue?
X:Yes,what is wrong?
Y:I heard that you are the besting MartialArts?
X:Great, you know me !
Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’t kill me! Let me go!
X:No, I must kill you !
Y:I don\'\'\'t want to be killed.There are a eighty-year-old mothe and a three-year old son to be lookedafter by me!
X:No way! Because we are fighting now!you know?
Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don\'\'\'\'\'\'t forceme!
X:Pardon!
(Y拿出一袋牛奶)
X抢过牛奶:milk, very good! Ilike drinking it.How do you know that?
Y:please drink it!
X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha,ha
Y:Do you still want to kill me?
X:Sure, must! Milk is milk.
Y(恼怒+冷酷):Very good! Very good! I hope you will not forget what you said!?
X:I’m sure I won’t!
Y:I must give you a leon!If Idon\'\'tbeat your this time, you’ll never be have properly!3-2-1-0!
X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !
Y大笑：HaHa……
X可怜状: help! help! Where is the washroom?
Y:What ?
X:Toliet?
Y:What ?
X:The “WC”?
Y:Oh,I see ,go along this street and turn right when you seea coringroad!
X:Thanks,byebye.
Y掏出纸屑吹:This is genui rne snow!
H:Stop!Protecting the environment is a basic obligation!
Y:Who are you?
H:Hua---man----lou! Hav eyou seen ximenchuixue?
Y:Yes, he was beaten by me and is in“WC” now,ha……
H惊讶:Now you are the best in the world!
Y:You are right!
H:Teriffic!you are the one my king looking for! Do you want to join in us?
Y:Yes,It’s very good.
H:Ok, followme, Let’s go to see my king!
Y:Ok,Let’s go!
第二幕：无间道
H:My dearest ! let me introduce ye gucheng to you! （指Y） this is ye gucheng.
K:sit down plese, yegucheng.
H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Ye gucheng! Do you want to follow my kingn omatter what happens such as cold headache,sair and aids?
Y: Yes,Ido.
K: Hua manlou, come .put the ring on his finger!（音乐停）
X唱着上:Only you……(看到戒子) this ring should be mine!
K:But who are you? Why should it belong you?
Y急切: king! dearking!Imust go now,my brother is looking for me!huoxi(维语再见)
K:huoxi? What does that mean? It is not English, isn’t it ?
Y:How clever……
X冷酷:ye gucheng! Come here!I want to tell you something!
Y抱X的腿:old brother ! Forgive me!
X:Forgiveme? Why?
Y: Once there was a change before me,I lost it.If the god give me another chance, I’ll tell you“I love you”,If there must be a limited period,I hope it is a thousand years!
X:You shall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can you tell the lady’s“WC”!
Y:I like going lady’s WC .I……I……I think that you like what I like.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)
X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)
K: ayixidailu?What’s the meaning? Why I also can’t understand you?
X:You are stupid! It means“I love you”.
K:Don’t say that“you love me”.I’ll kill you for you saying dirty word to me!
X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You---kill----me?come, come…(Ｘ上去抓住K)
K:Fuck you.I must kill you!
X:How can you kill me? haha……
Y:Let me have a try! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)
K: thank you very much, you save me.Now, I’ll give you the ticket for American tolet you
have a vacation.
Y:That’s good.But there is one more thing.Can you give me a MM ?I want to go American with her.
K:of couse.You are the one who has the similar taste with me! Hahaha……
Y:Hahaha-----
H:Where’s somewhere?
K:What?
Y:Do you want to go lady’s“WC”?
X:Yes,I……I…… do.
H顶着摇头：X,no, no， you can’t go to Lady’s “WC”.That is not the place where you can go into ! because you are X ! you are the best man of Chinese kongfu!
X: what if I’m the best in the word? !why I try my best to live but I’m still so miserable ? when can I get my freedom? Must be the dead day ? !
K: you are right.One will not be clever until the day he die.In that case ,why will you die in such a bad sorrow way !go into the Lady’s WC , then die , comfortablly ! go ahead !
H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! go away !
K; why ? why do you help him ! who acturally are you ?
H: my real name Is Lu Xiaofeng------the wife of X .I’m a spy.
K惊讶: !you---you---You are Lu Xiaofeng ? X’wife ?
Y: I have already recognized you .a tricker ! do you know, you are the first person who cheated me ! because of you ,I decide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Ｘwill die ,go and see him ,please .
H扑倒在Ｘ的身边：Ｘ,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !
K:what amoving story !I was impreed !
Y:life is a progre ,but it is depreed that it can not resume !
H: life Is a progre ,and it is delight that it needn’t resume !
(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，Ｋ吓跑.音乐《再见，警察》起)
Y痛苦状:don’t leave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please not abandon me !realize that I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,help me ,I key you ,beg you------help me .I’ll never do that again !(Y死，音乐停)
（X咳，H扑到身边，电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起）
H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .
X:go home ! ?
H:Tomorrow is another day !even you have the last second to live,you should be alive ,not only for me , but for our love !
X:do you want me live a lifein such a sorrow way ? ok , ok , I promise I will be alive for you .but !you know, I have no time left ,but you have ,promise that you will be happy everyday !You must do me this honor...promise me you will survive...that you will never give up...no matter what happens...no matter how hopele...promise me now ,and never let go of that promise.
H: I promise .
X:Never let go .
H:I promise .I will never let go ,
X.I\'\'ll neve let go.(X死)
H:be alive !yeah , be alive ! be alive without a hendance !life can be chance like time can go to back .there is beatiful snow but in sping , so life can come from the beginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死.音乐停。）
这是我找来的3个剧本，第一个我们演过，效果还不错，因为台词比较搞笑。。。第二个我觉得比较难演出效果来，至于第三个，不知道你们看没看过《陆小凤传奇》，这个剧本里的陆小凤错了，他应该是个男的，所以剧本要改改。看你们选哪个，如果觉得第三个的情节不错很适合的话，改改也行。
正剧也有，不过没整理，因为觉得正剧可能演出来效果不好，所以只整理了搞笑的，如果想演正剧的话，和我说下，我再找找。。。
